We’re All Ant Food

Fascinating video of ants stripping clean a dead gecko in more or less a day’s time.  Whenever I’m in a really crappy mood, it’s good to be reminded that in the end, we’re all ant food.  Death is the great equalizer.  No matter how powerful you are, how good-looking, how rich, how f**king hot you think you are, when we all die, we nourish the same nightcrawlers, maggots, and whatever other belly-crawling scavengers there are that care to feed on our rotting carcasses.  Let’s see how cool and hip you’ll feel once the denizens of the underworld start feeding on your innards from the inside out.  Will your fancy clothes stop them from sinking their teeth into your decomposing flesh?  Can you stop them from marching, numbering in the thousands, into your gaping mouth, the same mouth you used to cut people with to size?  Can you manipulate the creatures of the night the same way you’d order your minions around to do your dirty deeds for you?  Can you dig yourself with nail-less fingers out of your grave the way you used to nimbly climb up social ladders?  In the end, stripped of your mounds of bullsh*t, you’re no better than the rest of us.  Death will come for you soon enough, bitch.

That’s all folks.

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This is a cute Top Ten because every family has a quotable member, some more quotable than others.  In our family, hands down, it’s my mom.  She says stuff that in our clan, has reached mythic status.  The type of stories that we repeat and relive everytime we gather during reunions.  For example, while eating a hamburger: “Pwe, hindi masarap ang siopao nila dito…”

February 20, 2009 → The Top Ten Quotes From Your Family – Astroboy

1. Cardamom – My mom, to me and my friends at our dinner table: “Barkada kayo ng mga bakla, no?”
2. Glenda – My son during dinner that we hosted for my boss: “Mom, how’s your diarrhea?”
3. No name – My mom once said to me: “If your father is poor, that’s destiny. But if your husband is poor, that’s stupidity.”
4. Jorik – When my mom was teaching me language she said: “F is F, P is P. Get the foint?”
5. Lynski – My 7-year-old daughter was looking at our wedding pictures when she asked: “Mom, why wasn’t I at your wedding?”
6. Stonewall – When my sister had her first manliligaw, our lola asked the boy: “May plano ka bang galawin ang pechay ng apo ko?”
7. Jose – My dad: “Sa susunod na maglalayas ka, sasabihin kung saan ka namin mahahanap!”
8. Your Highness – My niece: “Si Daddy pag natutulog, laging nakahawak sa dodo ni Mommy!”
9. Hands-on-mom – A friend will always remind his son going on a date: “Anak remember, putting condoms is easier than changing diapers.”
10. LilRedShiningNips – My cousin from Cebu was buying calamansi so he asked for lemoncito (what they call calamansi in cebu).  The tindera gave him a bottle of lemon C2.
11. Denzyou – My 10-year-old sister as she lead the rosary: “The second sorrowful mystery is the scourging of the caterpillar…”
12. Ghildon – My mom while scolding our dog: “Ikaw Martin ha, nagiging hayop ka na!”
13. Boknoi – My sister yelled at her son playing outside: “Kain na, pinagluto kita ng adobo!” Her son answered: “Mamaya na, nagpapalipad pa ako ng saranggola!” My sister said: “Mamaya na yan, makakain mo yang saranggola mo?” Her son answered: “Eh yang adobo mo, mapapalipad mo ba?”
14. Harold – During our wedding reception, my wife’s mom said in her speech: “Anak, sana matulad kayo sa amin ng daddy mo. Kahit sa ganitong edad, napahilig pa rin sa sex!”
15. Grecia – My husband asked our eldest: “Ano gagawin mo kung malaman mong may kapatid ka sa labas?” Our son answered: “Eh di papapasukin ko.”
16. Daddy Elmo – I once told my kids who were asking permission to swim late at night: “Wag na, gabi na.  Bukas ng umaga nalang kayo mag night swimming!”
17. No name – My 90-year-old lola, after all these years, refers to Madonna as: “Magnolia”.
18. Tan – My mom wrote this on her card for me: “You may not be pretty, but you’re definitely sweet.”
19. Maive – A month before his fatal heart attack, my dad told my mom: “Sweetheart, if it’s time for me to go, let me go, okay?”
20. Kachika – When they were putting my lola’s ashes in the urn, her sister touched the urn and it felt warm to the touch.  She started crying: “Mainit pa! Buhay pa siya!!!”
21. Lia – One day my mom just blurted out of nowhere: “Pag kinasal ka, wag ka na magsuot ng belo, kasi hindi ka na virgin…”
22. Ergo – One time my mom slipped: “Manang-mana ka sa tunay mong ama!”
23. Grace – When I introduced a suitor to my lola, she said: “Sino to, yung bobo o yung bad breath?”
24. Bubbles – After a night out at Rockwell, my mom asked me where I came from. I answered: “Sa Power Plant.” She said: “Aber, at ano naman ang ginawa mo sa Meralco ng ganito kagabi?”
25. SC- We once had a visitor in our house. (My lola saw our visitor picking her nose) Lola: “Anong kinukuha mo ineng?” Visitor: “Nursing po.” Lola: “Ah, akala ko kulangot.”

Boracay, Aklan (The Resort)

We stayed at the posh Mandala Spa & Villas, about a 5-minute walk away from the white sands of the beach.  It was a stunning place to stay.  The gate of the resort is right smack in the middle of the very busy street parallel to and just behind the famed beach front.  From outside, you’d think you’re just in Pasig or some other busy street in Manila.  But once you get inside, the tranquility starts to set in.  The room we had was pretty impressive.  It was nestled in the thick foliage around the resort.  There are only 12 villas, so even if full, I doubt if the resort gets anywhere near hectic.  Here’s our villa from the outside:

And just when when we thought that the villas were all rustic in design and made of bamboo and sawali, we open the door, and instead of seeing a bahay kubo, what greeted us was a vision of opulence:

The main room was a full octagon, and the furniture scattered around it with much space in between.  It reminded me so much of The Farm in San Benito, being a wellness center and spa as well, and the meticulous detail put into the construction.  It was just so tempting to stay there and relax all day on the huge bed.  We had to be pried away from the bed to go to the beach.  The spacious main chamber opens up into the veranda, where you can vegetate on the cushy beach chair with matching footstool that overlooks the trees and the distant beach:

And the bathroom!!!  Oh my goodness, I didn’t even know where to start.  I wanted to soak, shower, pee and poop all at the same time because every part of it just begged you to use it!  It starts off with a tease of what’s in store:

And when you finally turn the corner, the full splendor is revealed:

Of course the piece de resistance was the gorgeous bathtub that was designed by the manufacturer specifically for Mandala:

Loved soaking in that tub.  But more than the tub, I loved the outside shower the most.  I just love outdoor showers.  Like I said, it reminded me of The Farm, which also had an outside shower.  But what was extra nice were the organic and biodegradable soap, shampoo and conditioner that they supplied generously.  In fact, they encourage you to try out their eco-friendly products instead of your own, in case you brought any.  I loved the soap the most.  It’s also in liquid form, and it’s got this strong minty flavor that just smells SOOO good.  Although I got a bit overwhelmed when the eucalyptus-y fumes got into my eyes.   I took so many showers just to be able to use their soap.  They also sell them, but I regret buying only 1 bottle.

Hehehe…I must say it was quite a sexy feeling because it felt like you were bathing in public even though you’re safely hidden from view despite being outdoors.  We also had free massages as part of the package.  I think the prices are pretty steep because of the quality of the rooms and the treatments, but I wouldn’t know because I got the package from the rewards I earned from my credit card, so I didn’t really pay much.  The food isn’t strictly vegetarian like in The Farm, but you’d have to tell them in advance so they can buy fish or something for you.

It was really a relaxing place to stay; a nice contrast to the frantic pace the beach usually is in.  So after all the fun and frolic on the beach, it’s nice to retreat to the solitude of a sanctuary in the middle of a busy beach like Boracay.  Highly recommended, if you want hardcore relaxation.

Cruel Japanese Pranks

This is a bit long, but it’s worth sitting through, whether you think it’s funny or you think the Japanese have gone overboard with their pranks.  The Japanese have always had an odd sense of humor.  This kind of prank would never work in the U.S. or in the Philippines.  Personally, I think it’s pretty mean, verging on cruel, especially since it involves a kid.  But this was actually televised on Japanese national television.  Anyway, have a see and make up your own mind.  LOL or cruel?

Here’s another one from the same show.  I forgot the title of the show, but it’s something like, “king of scary face”, or something that sounds like that.  After watching this, you’ll understand why.

Remember, the Japanese also came up with the sexually groundbreaking cinematic moment, “In The Realm Of The Senses”, where sex and death were inherently intertwined.  Their point of view is decidedly unique, and what passes off as offensive to other cultures, is accepted as a genuine inquiry into the human state.  Value judgments are withheld, and the myriad conclusions eagerly awaited.  I’m endlessly fascinated with the way the Japanese collective mind works.  They often blur the distinctions between right and wrong, and redefines what is acceptable and what isn’t.  I don’t always agree with it, in fact I often vacillate between being impressed and getting offended, but I’m mesmerized at the skewed way their logic sometimes progresses.  So their approach to humor is no different to the oftentimes odd manner by which they tackle the other aspects of life like sex and death; you may not always get it, but you’re drawn to it, much like how some people could not turn their eyes away from an impending train wreck.

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Rejection is something we deal with everyday.  Even the people whom we probably think have never been rejected have their own stories to tell.  It’s almost annoying when you hear really good-looking celebrities saying how ugly they feel.  You almost want to say, “kung kayo pangit, paano na kami?”  Hehe…but there’s nothing like rejection to make you feel ugly and unappealing.

February 19, 2009 → The Top Ten Signs That He’s/She’s Just Not That Into You – Loi Pogi

1. Greg – When he says things like, “Nung bang bata ka palang, pangit ka na?”
2. Forg – If he won’t text unless you send him load.
3. Smiles-a-lot – You send him a sweet text and he replies: “Pasaload naman diyan, o!”
4. Gooey Kablooey – If whatever you give her, she gives away to her friends.
5. Hunter Lizie – If he says non-committal invites like, “Let’s have coffee one of these days”, but never gives an exact date.
6. Mr. Perk – If while on a date, he only talks about himself and never asks anything about you.
7. Dr. G – If every time you send a text like: “Kumusta na?”, ang sagot niya: “Mabuti naman PO sir, kumusta naman PO ang ASAWA niyo?”
8. Tyrone – If he says stuff like: “After my wife and two kids…ikaw na, pare.”
9. SPY Shadow/Juggernaut – If he only wants to see you every 15th and 3oth of every month.
10. Loi Pogi – You send him a flirty text like: “Maaga ako makakalabas ng office…” Then he replies: “Good, eh di maaga kang makakauwi.”
11. Gorgeous Bitch/I.M.D. – If for the nth time you texted him to invite him out, ang reply pa din niya: “Who u?”
12. Joel – IF he always says: “I love you” before sex, but never after.
13. Geyp – “If you tell her, “I love you”, and she replies, “Thank you, friend!”
14. Loi Pogi – If he accepts your friend request on Facebook, only to unfriend you after a few days.
15. Gorgeous Bitch – If he says, “Grabe, kamukhang-kamukha mo yung crush ko.”
16. Eylek – If every time you text or YM her sweet messages like, “I miss you” or “I love you”, ang sagot niya lagi ay: “:-)”
17. Boknoi – If you text her: “Gising ka pa?” at ang sagot niya ay: “zzzzzzz…”
18. RJ – If you text her: “It’s a great night to go out…” and she answers: “Have fun!”
19. Beautifulweirdo – If he says, “I’ll call you!” but never asked for your number.
20. Jam – If you ask her out and she replies: “Sinu-sino TAYO?”
21. Ash – You text her: “Ikaw ang pinakamahalagang tao sa buhay ko ngayon”. And she replies: “Ganun?”
22. Hopeless Jec – If she let’s you take her home, but she never replies to any of your texts.
23. Pancakes – If you ask her: “So…where do you live?” And she answers: “At the corner of ‘fat chance’ and ‘no way’.”
24. Astroboy -If every time you text him a romantic quote, he sends you a friendship quote in return.
25. Stanford – If you text her: “How are you today, sexy!” And she replies: “Mabuti naman po, kuya!”

Best Version EVER.

This plays out like one of my nightmares.  But this clip really brought me back to my childhood.  I was reared on Sesame Street, Electric Company and the Sesame once-a-week spin-off, The Muppet Show.  I remember watching those shows religiously!  From school, I’d go straight home, change clothes and prepared my TV-watching snack: 5 calamansi, sliced in the center, with rock salt.  I’d sprinkle the salt on the sliced calamansi, then squeeze the salty-sour juice in my awaiting mouth.  then after I drained every last drop, I’d eat the emptied pulp pouches with some more salt.  You should try it, it’s good!  Then after the TV shows, I’d swim in our pool, pretending I was Mark Harris, the Man From Atlantis.  Sigh, it really brings me back to the days when my biggest problem, the most difficult obstacle to hurdle, was my unfinished wicker basket in Work Ed.  Life was simpler, easier, not necessarily happier, but simpler, easier.  I really loved Beaker here, and the Swedish Chef, the 2 characters who didn’t really speak.  And the monster who ate the rats.  Sigh.  Nostalgia is like rectal itch, it creeps up on you when you least expect it. *cricket, cricket…*

Sabang, Palawan (The Pictures)

Sabang may not have been the most strikingly beautiful place we’ve been to, but definitely it gave me a lot of images to work with.  For sure, it’s one of my all-time favorite places, as far as photo output is concerned.  Of course, being in a beach resort, I was able to get images from the beach and thereabouts:

And of course our stint over at the Underground River and the Mangrove Tour bore many photos, and here are some of my favorites:

Throughout the trip, one theme emerged prominently as the one I gravitated towards the most: reflections.  I didn’t even realize I was capturing different types of reflections until I got home and reviewed the photos.  Some trips it’s people portraits, sometimes it’s landscapes, this time it’s all about reflections.

The mangrove gave up great images because the waters were so still that the reflected images are almost exact upside-down copies of the originals. If you stare long enough, you get disoriented with what’s up and what’s down:

Here’s another mangrove shot, but this time, with the sun shining high in the sky, it gave a washed out background to complement the lush green foliage:

Here’s a shot of the resort as reflected on the blue water of the infinity pool:

This one captured the most colorful of the 3 sunsets we witnessed as reflected on the wet sand:

Take a look at this picture:

I took this photo of the leaf from underwater looking up.  Because the water was so clear, it ended up sort of looking like I captured it as it fell from the sky.  I swear, we could’ve spent an entire day just soaking in the water there.

Now we get to the 2 pictures I was most excited about.  The first, is my latest attempt at panoramic photography.  This time it took around 15 images of the shoreline, from end to end.  Of course, CS3 did all the hard work, as it stitched all the photos into one seamless image.  It’s actually very easy, you should try it, in case you’re curious about it.

Of course it ended up having a fish-eye effect, because I took the pictures from one standpoint.  It’s so much fun, and it’s so easy, thanks to CS3!

The other picture is the elusive star trails.  I’ve posted a couple of attempts through the months, but none really turned out the way I wanted them too.  In my humble opinion, of the trick shots that I’ve learned since I started with the hobby, star trails would hands down be the most difficult.  Too many factors needed to be ideal to make the shot possible: you should be away from the city, the area shouldn’t be well lit, there shouldn’t be a big moon, it should be a cloudless sky, you should shoot pointing north, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  But I was so happy that I finally got a north shot for the first time, and got the concentric circles that I’ve been trying to capture all these months.  Happy!

So that’s it for Sabang, Palawan, the first leg of our long vacation for this year.  Next up, our pictures for the 2nd leg, when we stayed in Mandala Spa in Boracay, Aklan.  But for sure, we’ll be back in Sabang as soon as our roving feet lead us back there again.

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I love any Top Ten topic that involves movie titles.  It’s my guilty pleasure.  Sometimes a good title can spell the difference between a hit and a flop.  Did you know that Julia Robert’s “Pretty Woman” was originally given the title: “3000″, because this was the amount in dollars you had to pay if you wanted her for the night.  Test audiences thought, based on that title, that the movie was about hookers from the moon, so they scrapped it.

February 10, 2009 → The Top Ten Worst Titles For A Romantic Movie – Oscar Dela Hopia

1. No name – “Bahay-Bata Ko, Galawin Mo”
2. Esacada/Eric – “Ang Huling Landi Ni Lola”
3. Vanie – “Ihi Na Nga Lang Ang Pahinga, Binobosohan Pa”
4. Hopeless Jec – “Saan Ka Man Naroroon…Diyan Ka Na Lang”
5. Gerver – “Inday, Magkano Pakwan Sa ‘Yo?”
6. Loi Pogi – “Nung Magalit Ang Ibon, Sumikip Ang Pantalon”
7. Daboy Wonder – “Tatlong Putok Sa Pulang Kumot”
8. Jerome – “Walang Baklang Pangit Sa Lalaking Gipit”
9. Tarlakenyo – “Nangawit Ang Panga”
10. Kid Bukid – “Pusod, Puson, Pusit!”
11. The Wanderer – “Agahan (Iyo Ang Hotdog, Aking Ang Itlog)”
12. SC – “Ang Bading Na Ayaw Sa Saging”
13. RC and Cess – “Haplos Ng Kamay Na Pasmado”
14. SPY Shadow – “Akala Ko’y Utot Lamang”
15. Jose de vengenge – “Tayo’y Maglasing, Kumpare Kong Guwaping”
16. Escada – “Halika, Wag Kang Lalapit”
17. Greg/Anto – “Mahalin Mo Ko, Babaeng Cheapipay”
18. Geyp – Ang Kuwento Ni Dodong Masahista (Lawayan Mo, Baka Mausog)”
19. YñaKì – “Mga Halinghing At Buntong-Hininga Sa Likod Ng Palikuran Ng Mababang Paaralan Ng Sitio Masinsin”
20. Alias Pusa – “Tea, Tikoy, Para Sa ‘Yo”

Videos I Like 8

With New Moon fever in full effect, and with all the New Moon spoofs going around on YouTube, this is my hands-down favorite.

Gaga is truly the perfect word to describe Lady Gaga.  The video for her latest song, from her repackaged first album, The Fame Monster, the bizarre Bad Romance.  I swear, this video reminds me of some of my more whacked out dreams.  She’s crazy, and I wouldn’t have her any other way.  What a trip.

And since I’m in a Gaga mood, here’s Lady Gaga again, this time featured in the Beyonce song Video Phone.  It’s still from her I Am…Sasha Fierce album, but Like Fame Monster, Beyonce’s album will be repackaged into a Platinum Edition, and it’s there where the version with Lady Gaga will be found.  It’s nice seeing them together in one video.  Never thought I’d see the day.  It’s like an explosion of gay icon-ness!  It’s like a drag queen duet.

Sabang, Palawan (The Experience)

What we enjoyed most of the time we were in Sabang, was the sun, the sand, the surf.  I don’t think we’ve ever soaked in the Philippines shores as much as we did here.  The conditions were ideal: no rocks beneath our feet, just fine powdery sand, warm water temperatures, and rollicking waves that reduced us to little kids, squealing in delight as the waves pounded us silly.

But outside of frying under the sun like rows of daing, our trip had 2 highlights: The Puerto Prinsesa Subterranean River National Park (Underground River) and the Mangrove Paddle Boat Tour.  We did the Underground River first.  From the resort, we did a scenic 5-minute walk along the beach to the port, then we took a short, maybe 5-10 minute boat ride to the River.  On the boat, I met a lovely little puppy that I cuddled with all throughout the trip.

When we got there, from the shore, you do a super short hike to the mouth of the cave, and what greets you is a beautiful scene, especially for us, because we were the very first visitors for the day:

No amount of pictures could do justice to how spectacular it looks inside.  No wonder it’s our only finalist to make it to the New 7 Wonders of Nature.  Speaking of, in case you might want to vote, click here.  Trying to take a picture of one rock or stalagmite or stalactite inside the cave would be taking taking a photo of half a toenail of a person: it just do the whole any justice.  But anyway, here are a couple that I took anyway:

The “Cathedral”

Part of the “vegetable section” (I think this is the pechay?)

One of the many bats inside the cave. They hang upside down on the rocky cliffs.

The other highlight of the trip was the Mangrove Paddle Boat Tour, with the inimitable and unforgettable Lady Mangrove.

Not to be confused with Lady Gaga, Lady Mangrove is one of many valiant volunteers who patrol the ecological treasure trove that is the mangrove.  Mangroves are essential to the ecology because it’s like the nursery of many animals and fish.  Without it, the ecology will be crippled irreparably.  Lady Mangrove with a couple of other volunteers subsist on the 100 pesos per visitor fee they collect.  We left a bigger amount to help them out because they do valuable work that we should all be thankful for.  They do the dirty job that few of us would undertake as our lot in life.  I really hope the government helps out these little not-so-well known nature sites.  Scientists from the U.S., Africa, and Europe have all been amazed at what they call one of the oldest mangroves in the world.  And they say the mangroves here, called bakawan locally, are unique in all the world.  They are candle-shaped, as opposed to the more common branchier types found everywhere else.  Plus, they grow tall as the trees in a primary forest, not short like the other mangroves I’ve seen.  Plus, they reflect beautifully on the calm water surface:

We also saw different animals like birds, snakes and monitor lizards or bayawak, like this one we found resting on a branch:

Another plentiful denizen of the mangroves are the mudskippers.  They litter the banks of the river in droves!  And they don’t seem to be scared of humans.  They don’t skip away until you’re really close.  Lady Mangrove said they also eat the mudskippers as part of their regular diet.

And at the end of the tour, Lady Mangrove even sings a song she wrote to cap off the tour. I have a video of it, and I was supposed to post it, but I can’t seem to rotate the video.  I recorded it vertically, but my camera recorded it sideways.  Anyone who can help me rotate it so you guys don’t have to watch it sideways?  I can seem to rotate it either on iPhoto or even YouTube.  Anyway, another nice perk after taking the tour, is that every visitor gets to plant a baby bakawan on the shores of the mangrove during low tide, and as the years pass, it will take root and be part of the whole mangrove network.  Nice touch.

And then we get to the wood worm.  Known as tamilok locally, it’s a delicacy that’s insanely popular in the area.  Visitors are offered to try and eat a bite or two of the supposed aphrodisiac.  It’s called a wood worm, but Lady Mangrove said it’s actually closer to shellfish, like oysters.  They just wash the tamilok, put it in some vinegar, maybe sprinkle some salt, and off you go!

You’ll find the wood worms burrowed in rotting wood, specifically bakawan that have since fallen and died.  Once the wood is chopped open, the tamilok instantly dies.  You can then pull out the alien-looking worm easily from the groove it has gored into the wood.  We got a live demo on how to find tamilok in the wild.  lady mangrove found a branch in a dead stump, chopped it open, and true enough there was one big fat one inside, which died once the air hit it.

It’s got a hard helmet-like head that has what looks to me like a beak-like mouth, and a scissor-like tail that’s pretty sharp.  It looks really gross (and in this particular picture, slightly obscene), therefore I refused to taste it.  I have worm phobia so it took everything in me to even just touch it, much less eat it.  Delle, on the other hand, decided to try it.

She was just posing here, she didn’t eat the whole thing.  They just cut a portion of it, she swished it around some vinegar, put some rock salt, and here’s her actual moment of truth:

Blech.  No thank you.  They said it tasted like gelatinous oysters.  *faints*

(Next: The Pictures)