Parents Shouldn’t Text

Around December last year, I blogged about this hilarious website “Damn You Auto Correct”. Click HERE for my post, and HERE for the website. The website is so successful they even came out with a book now! And it’s even got spin-off websites like this one, “Parents Shouldn’t Text”. Click HERE for the website. It’s side-splittingly funneh! Here are 10 examples of it’s awkward humor:

 

Cirque Du Soleil’s Varekai & The Script Live In Manila!

I can’t believe how great this day is! Okay let me start off with my frustration that with all the HUGE acts coming to Manila this year, I have been able to watch ZERO. My biggest reason is, I don’t like watching in open area venues. I hate the idea of standing the whole time, so any act that will perform in an open field, I automatically cross out of my list. But lucky for me, two shows will be in seated indoor venues, but we’ve been dragging our feet for so long, that I feared that we’ve run out of good tickets. When we found out that THE Cirque Du Soleil would be performing in Manila, it shot straight up my to-watch list. I’ve never watched Cirque in Las Vegas (or anywhere for that matter), so I vowed to myself I’d watch it here no matter how expensive. But again, I’m such a procrastinator that weeks after they started selling the tickets, we were still ticket-less. Until this morning, during boardwork, Delle and I decided to go to the website hoopla.ph (they only sell tickets online), and decided to check out the day we wanted. And when we input 4 tickets, we found out that there were 4 available tickets in the FRONT ROW! I couldn’t believe it! We paid immediately, and now, we are proud owners of row AA tickets to Cirque Du Soleil!

Now the awesomeness doesn’t end there. Delle went straight to the ticket whatever and looked at the available tickets for the other concert we REALLY wanted to watch: The Script. They’ve been selling tickets for so many weeks now that I was pretty sure we won’t have good seats anymore. So imagine my shock when I found out that Delle was able to get seats from the 5th or 6th row (not really sure). So in one day, from missing out all the nice shows, we end up buying really good seats to our top 2 shows of choice. So happy! Of course, we will bleed when paying the credit card time comes along, but it will be worth it.

I actually want to watch a couple of more concerts like Maroon 5, Bruno Mars and even that Andrew Lloyd Webber show, but let’s see if my budget can still accommodate these shows. Because my thing is, if I’m going to watch, I might as well get good seats. If all I’ll see is a singing dot, then I’ll just watch the video. So either I shell out moolah for good seats, or I skip it all together. But let’s see, I was able to catch Maroon 5 the first time they were here, so I might just decide later if I still have the budget for it.

But definitely I am over Uranus with the two ticket purchases we made today! Now I can’t wait to watch. I’m quivering with anticipation.

Who Has The Biggest Penises In The World?

Given that I just had my dog Siam neutered yesterday (he’s fine by the way), I suddenly remembered the recent “study” that supposedly shows the average penis size per country. The “research” shows that the countries with the largest penises are, from the largest: Congo (7.1 inches), Ecuador (6.9 inches), Ghana (6.7 inches), Colombia (6.7 inches) and Venezuela (6.7 inches). On the other side of the spectrum, are the countries with the tiniest penises, with North and South Korea taking home smallest honors with an average penis size of (3.9 inches). Also bringing up the rear are Cambodia, Thailand, India, and Burma. For the curious, The Philippines logged in a 4.2-inch average, while the Americans surprisingly came out a not-so-impressive 5.1-inch average. Of course it goes without saying that these measurements reflect the penises in their tumescent stage.

As far as races are concerned, the African and Latin American countries ended up as the largest, with the Asians coming in last, and the Europeans and North Americans in the middle.

I put quotation marks on the words “study” and “research” because the provenance of the dubious study has been traced to a company selling penis extenders. So this I guess casts a large shadow of doubt on how kosher this global penis chart is. And the study shows that some of the data are “self-reported”, meaning, the respondents were not actually measured, but that they only claimed that their wieners were actually that long. This is a bit disturbing given that most men tend to exaggerate just how well-endowed they are. They should’ve asked the wives or girlfriends instead for a more accurate measurement. That said, I find it funny that even with some exaggerated figures, some countries still fell short. So does that mean that some of the reported 3.9-inch averages are actually even smaller? Egad!

Siam’s Big Day

My baby’s a big boy now, all 14 pounds of him. He’s 6 months old, and any minute now, he’s about to reach sexual maturity. Of course I’m talking about my youngest pup, Siam, supposedly a Toy Poodle, but more like a Miniature Poodle given his size. He’s grown ginormous the past couple of months, and as you can see in the photos, he now looks like the love child between Aslan and a Jigglypuff. The best time to neuter a male dog is right before sexual maturity so he doesn’t develop the habits that usually accompany this stage. Cairo, my Yorkie, got neutered a bit late, so even after the procedure, he never got rid of his territorial spraying or humping. Siam still pees like a girl so hopefully he doesn’t spray anymore.

Most people still cringe when I say I spay and neuter my pets. A lot still consider it cruel, when in fact vets and animal rights advocates mostly consider it the more “humane” way to go. I say mostly because of course there will be dissenting opinions, but generally, the widely accepted fact is that spaying and neutering is the way to go. Spayed and neutered animals generally live longer and healthier lives. Spaying a female dog also eliminates the messiness associated with the heat cycle. Neutering of male dogs and cats can prevent certain undesirable sexual behaviors, such as urine marking, humping, male aggression and the urge to roam. If you have more than one pet in your household, all the pets will generally get along better if they are neutered.

And of course there’s the problem of over-population. So many breeders already, no need to add any more. Too many dogs going to homes that are not necessarily prepared for a companion animal. So many dogs are bought by families, only to be given away or left tied in a corner after they prove “too hard to handle”. Once the cuteness of the puppies evolve into the more robust adult dogs, many families balk at the actual work that needs to be put in. So even if you have people in mind to give your future pups to, it’s no guarantee that they’ll have loving homes to go to.

Of course it goes without saying that I’m nevertheless a mess. Because although I advocate spaying and neutering, it’s still a surgical procedure and it’s not without its risks. So here I am, on pins and needles, hoping that there are no hitches and that the operation went well. I’m still waiting for the text from my vet saying the procedure is done, that Siam is healthy and well and that he is on his way home. I’ll post an update once I get news on how things went. Hang in there, Siam! Get well quick, so you can jump again all you want!

Here’s the PETA spay/neuter ad with Jane Lynch:

 

The Top Ten Planet Earth Resolutions

Again, I’ll veer away from the chronology of my Top Ten postings, mainly because the topic is timely, and the most common comment from the previous post (which became part of WordPress Freshly Pressed, yay!) is that it shouldn’t stop at switching off the lights for an hour. And I totally agree. So here are some possible resolutions (and some not-so-serious ones, just to lend some levity) that could be applied by regular folk like you and me. A lot of these are doable, and not those grand gestures that are difficult to maintain. Who knows, some of these could end up as part of your daily habits?

March 24, 2011 → The Top Ten Planet Earth Resolutions

1. Rhbadidles – Whether its mine or not, it’s my responsibility to make sure trash is put in its right place.
2. Trashkirs 10 – When watching videos, watch as a family, and not alone, to prevent repeat viewings.
3. Poljeffrey – Pee in the shower.
4. Yogidapogi – Our toilet bowl rule at home: “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.”
5. Sgt Patatas – Don’t burn dried leaves in your backyard. It’s against the clean air act. Just bury them in the soil.
6. MelC – Why turn the air-conditioning full blast in the office, then have everyone wear thick jackets? Adjust it to the right temperature.
7. Bochokoi – 3R’s – Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Add one more R: Refuse. Refuse stuff that you do not need that may just end up as trash.
8. Amhearst Ureign Stop picking seashells on the seashore, refuse to purchase any seashell products and stop bringing home sand from the beach.
9. Mau – In our company, we implement a no overtime Friday, so electricity is turned off early.
10. Poljeffrey – Instead of using poison to kill rats and insect killers, just use traps.
11. Raqueliraqs – Stop smoking. The factory producing it makes pollution, as well as the zillion chemicals you inhale and exhale into the air.
12. Laranessaaaa – After brewing, instead of throwing coffee grounds, use it as fertilizer. It also prevents stray cats from pooping there.
13. Sonnkien – It’s better to use lotion than promote population explosion.
14. Iamaileensp – I love Bench’s idea of making Wednesdays a day na “bawal ang mapapel at plastic”. You have to bring your own bag to put your purchases in.
15. Super Jellie – Here in Bermuda, we collect rainwater from our limestone roofs, which act as natural water purifiers.
16. The Wunderdog – Lessen noise pollution: quit talking and start doing something.
17. Nicole Eunice – Plant a tree every chance you get.
18. The Wunderdog – I’ve been doing this even before the MMDA started the campaign: “Maliit na basura, ibulsa muna”.
19. Aldouskim – Go to outer space and live there. Mother earth doesn’t need more people.
20. Caris MontesaI – Support environmental signature campaigns like www.no2miningpalawan.com. You can help without getting up from your seat.
21. No name – My mom uses our old car tires as plant boxes for our veggie garden.
22. Doc.Ian – Unplug appliances not in use: the “STANDBY” mode, although not “ON”, still consumes electricity.
23. The Wunderdog – There are apps now which give you the option to automatically shut down your computer after it’s done downloading.
24. Humdinger – Subscribe to those online billing statement services. Less paper, less trees chopped down.
25. Mary Grace – Politely remind litterbugs to dispose of their trash properly.
26. No name – Muntinlupa City has a no-plastic policy, Pasig City has a no straw Friday.
27. MasterBather – When checking balance before withdrawing, don’t get a receipt for the balance inquiry. Get only the final receipt.
28. Acer – My pest control company advocates lesser reliance on pesticide and integrate instead: sanitation, structural pest proofing and educating clients on pest biology.
29. Dennis Pinch – Bathe with a friend, in the dark.
30. Joti – Bathe with your pets, to save on water.
31. Blitzkrieg – The earth weighs 6.6 septillion tons. Don’t make it heavier by being fat. Avoid overeating.
32. SPY Shadow – Even if we live in the province, we don’t burn our garbage.
33. Tydy – No smoking after sex policy.

 

Earth Hour 2011

I’ve heard many naysayers scoff at this whole, in their words, “exercise in futility”, that it’s actually useless and a waste of time and money, and that our energies could be channeled into something more useful and concrete. Maybe. I don’t discount the opinion that it may be so. But in my opinion, it’s better than doing NOTHING. One can sit there, in the comfort of his own spectator seat, and mock the efforts that others do, but my question is: “What are YOU doing?” If you’ve got a better idea, then let’s hear it; let’s do THAT instead of THIS. I don’t have a better idea, so I’ll support this instead. Will it save the world as we know it?  Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But I won’t stand in the way of people trying their best to effect a change for the better. In fact, they have my full support. Turning off the lights for an hour won’t necessarily stop climate change or whatever it is that ails our planet, but it gives us all a chance to reflect on a pressing fact: our planet needs help. Whether it’s man-inflicted or a natural course of our planet’s evolution is a difficult question to answer. But it wouldn’t hurt for us as a global community to set aside an hour in a year to think about it as one. We may not come up with the right solutions to our problems, but I applaud any attempt to give it a try. Even if our efforts prove futile, if we could change the habits of ANY number of people and effect a change in their consumption habits, it would’ve been worth it already. It doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves not to consume too much, that we’re not alone on this planet, that in order to co-exist we need to share EVERYTHING, and therefore we need to be frugal in devouring whatever it is we already consume. Whether we humans are the cause of the problem or the solution, we have to give it a try. The peanut gallery has never been the source of either the solutions or the inspirations for. Like they say, if we can’t be part of the solution, at least don’t stand in the way of those trying.

So tomorrow, Saturday, March 26, 2011, from 8:30-9:30pm, switch off all your lights and send a strong message of hope.

 

The Top Ten Dumbest Things You’ve Heard On TV

I remember loving this topic. Television, especially live television, is like a breeding ground for funny quotable quotes. Of course, I can’t vouch for how accurate these accounts are, or how close to the actual quotes they are, but it’s fun. So enjoy!

November 3, 2009 → The Top Ten Dumbest Things You’ve Heard On TV

1. Arspoetica – News Anchor: “So ano naman ang reaksyon ng mga biktima?” Field Reporter: “Na-bad trip.”
2. Ionic Sam – Host: “Masarap kagatin, pero hindi puwede kainin?” Contestant: “Bakal?”
3. Ashtrid – From an entertainment talk show, an actor was asked, “So your father is a policeman in Europe?” He answered: “Hindi po sa Europe, sa France po.”
4. Pancho – Host: “What is your best PHYSICAL asset?” Contestant: “I’m very understanding.”
5. Eylek – Host: “Kung ang blue ay bughaw, ano naman ang yellow?” Contestant: “Ice?”
6. Doraemon – During Ondoy, a reporter asked someone who was crying because lost his family and home to the floods: “Ano pong nararamdaman niyo ngayon?”
7. Spongebob – Host: “What is the fastest animal?” Contestant: “Lydia De Vega?”
8. Patri – Host: “In what country do Hindus live?” Contestant: “Hindunesia?”
9. Andromeda – Host: “Ano ang matatagpuan mo sa gitna ng donut?” Contestant: “Palaman?”
10. Serena – Host: “Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng manok o mata ng tao?” Contestant: “Itlog ng tao!”
11. No name – A reporter interviewing a newly crowned Ms. Universe: “If you marry, will you become Mrs. Universe?”
12. Palaboi – Edu: “Ano ang binibigay ng kundktor ng bus sa pasahero na nagsisimula sa letrang ‘T’?” Ian Veneracion: “Tukli?”
13. Bhengskie – John Pratts: “Ano ibig sabihin ng ‘no loading’?” Man on the street: “Bawal gumamit ng cellphone?”
14. Mr Vader – Host: “Sa pelikulang MI2, ano ang ibig sabihin ng MI?” Contestant: “Men In?”
15. No name – Host: “Ano sa English ang Pasko Ng Pagkabuhay?” Contestant: “Haleluya?”
16. Maude – Richard Gomez: “Magbigay ng pagkain na mabaho!” Tessa Prieto-Valdez: “Tae?”
17. Abernathy: Host: “If you could live forever, would you and why?” Contestant: “I would not live forever, because if we could live forever, we would live forever. But we cannot live forever, so I would not live forever.”
18. No name – Host: “If you were on a boat and could only save either your mother or father, who would you save?” Contestant: “Me on boat? BOAT of dem.”
19. No name- Host: “Ano sa Tagalog ang green?” Contestant: “Birdie?”
20. Rixie – Host: “If you could promote one tourist spot in the Philippines, which would it be?” Contestant: “Bocaue Rice Terraces.”
21. Michael – Reporter: “Pepeng lumalaki papasok sa Pilipinas!”
22. Leghorn – Host: “Have you tried sky diving?” Guest 1: “I’m afraid not.” Host: “What about you?” Guest 2: “Me, I’m afraid.”
23. Roni – Host: “Sa achool, ano ang kailangan ipasa finished or not finished?” Contestant: “Finished! Sigurado ako, finished!”
24. Jorik – Host: “Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?” Contestant: “Huling Hapunan!”
25. Jenna – A sexy star was asked about her comments on the nasty stuff another sexy star was saying about her. Her reply: “Sorry, I won’t snoop down to her label. She’s chief and wa-class!”

Earthquake! Praning Much? Zen Fail. Epic Nervyooz!

This is really scary. I haven’t seen these relatively new footage of the Japanese tsunami after the 8.9 magnitude earthquake they had. Now, why am I posting this weeks after the fact? Because I’m paranoid, that’s why. I know that there’s no way to predict when and where an earthquake will strike, but Phivolcs did say that we’re ripe (we, meaning the Philippines), or should I say overdue for another big one. They say the tectonic plates are like rocks in a big funnel. If you move one underneath, the rest follow. So when one plate moves, expect the others to move as well (as they say, gaya-gaya, puto maya). So it was no surprise then, that yesterday, March 20, 2011, there was a 6.4 magnitude quake hitting the Ilocos Region. Good news was, no damage, no casualties. I was just telling Delle this story this morning, as we were about to ride the elevator on our way home from RX. I remember telling her, that the quakes are rumbling throughout the pacific rim, where we are. After all, we are smack in between New Zealand and Japan. So then, just about a couple of hours ago, a 5.8 magnitude tremblor hit Lubang Isaland, and it was felt as a magnitude 3 here in Metro Manila. It just sent a paranoid chill down my spine. Why?

Aside from the obvious, the 3 places I spend most of my time in are: RX, my condo and our house. RX is on the 17th floor, my condo is on the 22nd floor, and our house is built right on top of the Marikina fault. As in, when I saw a map of where the actual fault is, I saw it run right under our very street. So as you can see, IF a big earthquake struck, most likely I would be caught in one of these 3 places, and I’m afraid it won’t be a pretty picture for me. Therein lies the fear. I know, worrying about this is like losing sleep over the possibility of dying in a plane crash or to be eaten by a great white shark or hit by a stray bullet during New Year’s, which is basically possible, but not probable. But nevertheless, I don’t get to reason with my fears, there’s no discussing things with them. The tyranny of fear is a crippling one. I have daydreams of the BIG ONE hitting while I’m alone in the condo with our 3 cats. In my reverie, I imagine myself panicking for a split second, then, realizing the futility of panic, I gather my 3 cats as we huddle in one corner as we wait for the building to topple over. At least we were all together, and we didn’t suffer the ignominy of dying all alone. And as we plummet to our dusty death, I mutter “I love you” under my breath, sent out to the one I love most (arte mo, ogag!). I know, morbid, right?

But it’s really a fear that haunted me ever since the 1990 earthquake. I remember I was with Jude Rocha on a walkway between the 2 building of the Masscom building in U.P., when the whole catwalk started to snake from side to side like a serpent. We could hardly walk to get to the other side. At that moment I thought that we were future fertilizer, that we would die right there. And even when we reached open ground, the feel of the tremors, first a bouncing up and down, then a side to side motion (or was it the other way around?), scarred me for life. I HATE earthquakes. And I hate the idea that we’re having so many of them one after the other. Waaaaaaah!!!

 

 

The Top Ten Things You’d Say To A Ghost (Or Other Monsters)

When I was a kid, I was the most duwag kid you’ll ever meet. I was so scared of things that go bump at night. But of all the monsters, I was most scared of vampires. I had a hotdog pillow that I’d cover my neck with so the vampires won’t be able to bite me while I slept (which in retrospect was silly, because as if a pillow could stop a vampire, right?). But strangely, when I grew up, I was addicted to scary movies, that was the only genre that I’d rent at the then betamax stores.

November 2, 2009 → The Top Ten Things You’d Say To A Ghost (Or Other Monsters) – Sent in by: Marioh Caryo and Astroboy

1. Abernathy – To Sadako: “Totoo bang maganda sa buhok ang tubig deep well?”
2. No name – To a vampire: “Pautang naman…wala ka bam-pira?”
3. No name – To a ghost: “Nae-excite din ba kayo pag nakikita niyo yung ghost ng mga dead celebrities?”
4. Lockon Stratos – To a skeleton: “Do you feel empty inside?”
5. Andhieism – To a ghost: “Have you met your soulmate?”
6. Don Manoy – To a white lady: “Anong brand ng gluta ang gamit mo?”
7. Kalsjr – To a werewolf: “Fetch!”
8. Phaentom3542 – To a white lady: “Miss, napasobra yata ang whitening soap natin, ah!”
9. Tee A. Rugo – To Sadako: “Adik ka sa rebonding no?”
10. No name – To a nuno sa punso: “Tabi-tabi po, pwera liit, pwede laki…”
11. No name – To a white lady: “Ayaw mo bang mag blush-on man lang? Ang putla mo eh.”
12. KiD BuKid – To a witch: “Wanna straddle my broomstick?”
13. Satin White – To a ghost: “Mami me mumo!”
14. Abernathy – To a ghost: “Now that you’re a ghost, what scares you?”
15. Stanley – To a vampire: “Aru, dugu-dugo gang ka no?”
16. Hannah – To a werewolf: “Do you do it doggy style?”
17. Lockon Stratos – To a mananangal: “Nararamdaman mo bang may kulang sa buhay mo?”
18. Grant Heel – To a manananggal: “Eh di wala kang belt?”
19. Muggleborn – To a tiyanak: “Pag may umaapi sa inyo, tumatakbo din ba kayo sa Bantay Bata?”
20. No name – To a ghost: “Buti ka pa, nagpaparamdam…daig mo pa boyfriend ko.”
21. Melody: To a headless horseman: “Want some head?”
22. Scarlett – To a vampire: “Nauuhaw ka? Tamang-tama, meron ako ngayon! Meron akong susi sa blood bank!” (Akala niyo ha!)
23. Boracay Bugoy – True story from work in a hotel. Staff saw a white lady in the men’s toilet, and told her: “Ma’am, sa kabila po ang ladies room.”

 

The Black Plague

If there is Bieber Fever, then prepare for the Black Plague. Unless you live under a rock, you probably have heard of viral teen Rebecca Black and her universally reviled song and video called “Friday”. Many call it the “WORST SONG EVER”. It’s got its fans and its got its legions of haters.

The first time I heard of her a couple of days ago, she had 7 million views on her YouTube video. Yesterday, she had 16 million. Today, there are 21 million views…and growing by the minute. Of course the reason she went viral so fast is mainly because of the savage reviews and the negative publicity her auto-tuned drone of a voice garnered. She’s been on many TV shows and even interviewed by Ryan Seacrest. But she’s unique. She’s not like Justin or Charice whose instant fame coasted on real talent. Rebecca is more notorious than famous. Her parents almost pull out her video after she got mostly hate comments from viewers. But scrappy teen that she is, she insisted that the video remain, as she is determined not to be cowed by the haters.

But she opened a can of worms. On her heels are now a slew on teenage non-talents vying for public attention, through notoriety, if not through talent. For instance, Jenna Rose, whose video is now about to breach the 1 million mark. In my opinion, Jenna Rose is leagues more annoying then Rebecca:

And in related videos, remember the racist UCLA student who posted a video rant on Asians in the library? Well apparently she’ leaving UCLA after receiving much heat and even death threats after her video had gone viral. Even the UCLA chancellor condemned her video as unbecoming of a UCLA student. Anyway, here’s a hilarious song than an Asian wrote for Alexandra Wallace. The song is actually good.