The Top Ten Green Jokes That Can Be Said On Air

If you listen to the show, by now you’d know how people who listen to the show (fine, the hosts as well), tend to gravitate toward the greener side of the pasture. The entries become more creative and come more plentiful, whenever the tenor of the humor leans on the sleazier aspects of life.Of course the challenge was to come up with naughty jokes that are safe enough to say on air. Suffice it to say, many didn’t make it on air because it was TOO green. Most of them I’m posting today.

October 19, 2009 → The Top Ten Green Jokes That Can Be Said On Air – Sent in by: Astroboy

1. No name – Three biggest tragedies in man’s life: 1, Life sucks. 2, Job sucks. 3, Wife doesn’t.
2. Lucio – Women wear lipstick as a warning: Danger…wrong hole!
3. Despad – Bakit ikinahihiya ng toe ang mommy niya? Kasi foot ang ina niya!
4. Loipogi – Q: Ano ang sabi ng bulag na napadaan fish section sa wet market? A: Good morning ladies!
5. Polarbear MD: Q: What’s better than a rose on your piano? A: Tulips on my organ.
6. Spoofy – Q: Ano kaibahan ng kumukulong tubig at kamay ng babae? A: Ang kumukulong tubig, nagpapalambot ng karne. Ang kamay ng babae, nagpapatigas.
7. TwistdSAINT – Husband comes to bed naked. Wife: “Not tonight I have a headache.” Husband: “Okay lang, binudburan ko ng aspirin yung t*ti ko!”
8. Maldito – Guy: “Iniwan na ko ng asawa ko! Puputulin ko na itong ari ko at ipapakain sa aso!” Bading: “Arf! Arf!”
9. Reichen – (While making love) Husband: “Ang tahimik mo naman…dumaing ka naman…” Wife: “Wala na tayong bigaaaaaaasss….”
10. Paul – Anak: “Mommy, bakit mo inupuan yung ahas sa ibabaw ni daddy kagabi?” Mom: “Matapang kasi ako!” Anak: “Mas matapang si yaya, kinain pa niya kanina!”
11. Loipogi – Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers (condoms)? A: – You melt them, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
12. Specialist – A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg looked pissed off, rolls over and says: “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.” (Which comes first the chicken or the egg?)
13. Jose de Vengenge – (In hell) Girl: “Bakit ang liliit ng mga bird ng lalaki dito?” Satanas: “Gaga! Kung malalaki ang t*ti nila eh di parang nasa heaven na din kayo!”
14. Cherry The Great – A macho guy was joining the army but came late for Physical Examination. Pagdating niya, all men were naked, ready for inspection. He looked and shouted: ”Joskoday! Ano itetch, EAT ALL YOU CAN ?!?”
15. No name – Bata: “Tay, kapatid ko po ba si Ninong?” Ama: “Hindi, anak. Kumpare ko yon. Bakit mo naitanong?” Bata: “Kasi po Tay, nakita ko si Ninong dumedede din kay Nanay…”
16. Ugly Kid Joey – Student: “Ma’am, ang utot po ba bumubukol sa pantalon?” Teacher: “Siyempre hindi!”  Student: “Patay, eh tae na to!”
17. Homer Singson – (at a drugstore) Bading: “Miss, meron kayong extra large condom?” Pharmacist: “Meron.” Bading: “Sige, dito lang ako tatayo ha? Tawagin mo ko pag may bumili.”
18. Reichen – Q: What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin? A: Both hold something stiff, but one is coming and the other is going.
19. Chorizo Solomon – Did you know that loss of teeth leads to no sex? “Pag wala kang ipin, wala kantooth.”
20. Ugly Kid Joey – Apo: “Lolo, what are you reading?” Lolo: “History book.” Apo: “But lolo, that’s a book about sex!” Lolo: “At my age, sex IS history.”
21. Daxty – Son: “Mommy, bakit yung putotoy ng kaklase ko, parang champoy?” Mom: “Bakit, kulubot?” Son: “Hindi, maalat.”
22. Cornertan – Guy to Girl during her birthday party: “Ikaw ang mag-slice ng cake, gusto ko kasi matikman yung hiwa mo eh.”
23. Poco – Guy: “Tara let’s go out for pizza and sex!” Girl: “What?!? No way!” Guy: “Ay bakit, ayaw mo ng pizza?”
24. Ilia – Q: Paano nagkasya ang 71 na tao sa isang kotse? A: Dalawa sa harap, 69 sa likod.
25. Mondster – Erap: “You want peanuts?” Glo: “Ayoko, pini-pimples ako sa mani.” Erap: “Talaga? Ako sa mukha lang…”
26. Infrared – Q: “Anong kaibahan ng pakwan sa babae?” A: “Ang pakwan binibiyak muna bago kainin. Ang babae, baligtad.”
27. No name – Lady: “Doc, may discharge ako, kulay brown. May STD ba ako?” Doc: “Ilang beses ka ba kung mag-sex?” Lady: “Once every 5 years.” D: “Ha? Hindi yan STD…kalawang yan!”
28. Jot Pilot – Wife 1: “Mare, pag nakikita ko tong mga patatas, naaalala ko betlog ng mister ko.” Wife 2: “Ha, ganyan kalaki?” Wife 1: “Hindi, ganyan kadumi!”
29. Vampire Girl – Husband: “I treat my wife like a sex object. When I ask for sex, she objects!”
30. Specialist – Girl 1: “Do you use oral contraceptives?” Girl 2: “Shet, gago yun ah! Sabi niya hindi nakakabuntis pag oral?”
31. No name – Guy 1: “Alam mo yung joke tungkol sa dahon?” Guy 2: “Hindi pa!” Guy 1: “Ay, wag nalang…masyadong green.”
32. Czarovic – Sperm 1: “Pagod na ko! Malayo pa ba tayo sa ovary?” Sperm 2: “Malayong-malayo pa! Kaka-lampas palang natin sa tonsils eh!”
33. Polar Bear – Q: “Magbigay ng synonym ng PUKE?” A: “Eh di VOMIT!” (mga bastos!)
34. Louise – Anak: “Inay, masarap po ba ang hayop?” Inay: “Depende sa hayop, at depende sa luto. Bakit mo naman naitanong?” Anak: “Kasi po kagabi, narinig ko sabi ni itay kay yaya, ‘Hayop ka, ang sarap mo!’”
35. No name – Teacher: “Ano ang kaibahan ng 69 sa 6.9?” Student: “Ma’am yun pong 6.9 mas kadiri…kasi may period.”

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