The Top Ten Lamest Insults

Insults are formulated to wound. So when an insults fizzles out instead of exploding, it’s really funny.  Like those guns that shoots out little flags with the word “bang” written on them?  Plus, it takes smarts to create good insults.  The deeper the wound it inflicts, the smarter the source, most likely.

July 7, 2009 → The Top Ten Lamest Insults

1. Lockon Stratos – My sister and I got into a serious shouting match. Sis: “You’re a loser!!!” Me: “Eh ikaw, starfish!!!” Sis: “Ha..?” Me: “Diba yung starfish walang brain? Parang yung friend ni Spongebob?”
2. Eggy – I went to ladies restroom so the guard shouted angrily: “Hoy! Pambabae yan!” Embarrassed, I pointed to my bird then shouted back: “Bakit, pambabae din naman to ah!”
3. Zeni Grand – A friend who was fighting with her American husban was angry because he was making duro at her. She shouted: “If you finger me, I’ll finger you too!”
4. Billie – Me: “You’re an idiot!” Sister: “I know you are, but what am I?” Me: “An idiot nga!”
5. Purple Rose – My brother-in-law has an identical twin. One time I heard them fighting. Brother-in-law: “Pangit!” Twin: “Mas pangit ka!” (eh diba magkamukha sila?)
6. Sicnarf – I one got into a fight with a friend. Friend: “Ang dumi talaga ng utak mo!” Me: “Eh ikaw, ang dumi ng…kuko mo!”
7. Momachique – Friend 1: “I wasn’t born yesterday!” Friend 2: “Siyempre! If you were born yesterday, eh di baby ka palang today?”
8. RVincent – A colleague told one Indian: “Bumbay! Bumbay!” Indian: “Why do you call me Bombay? Bombay is our city. What if I call you, Manila! Manila!”
9. Uge – Friend: “Mas pangit ka pa sa aso ko!” Me: “Eh ikaw, mas pangit ka pa sa nanay ko!”
10. Gracia – Sine-sermonan ko younger sister ko nung naubusan ako ng sasabihin: “When I was your age…I was …24 also!
11. Specialist – “Ang pangit ng girlfriend mo! Kamukha siya ng girlfriend ko!”
12. Boknoi – “Oo, tisay ka nga, pero ang budhi mo naman, sing0itim ng…ng…ng singit ko!”
13. SerV – On an online forum: “Pa-english-english ka pa, eh mali-mali naman! Masyado kang FILLING SMART!”
14. Hapon – When we teased someone: “Bisaya! Bisaya!” He shouted back: “Wala naman kayong ibidinsya!” (not that there should be anything wrong with being Bisaya…)
15. Pluto – Some boys at school were shouting at me: “Bakla! Bakla!” I couldn’t think of anything to shout back at them so I shouted: “Mga…lalaking hindi BAKLA!”
16. Young Indy – During a shouting match, my officemate shouted: “Nakaka-pagod kang kausap!” I shouted back: “Eh di magpahinga ka muna!”
17. RC and Cess – Bullies: “Bulol! Bulol!” Kid: “Mana dado tayo, hindi ato budod!”
18. Rc and Cess – Friend 1: “Haha, wala siyang cellphone!” Friend 2: “Eh ano ngayon, wala man akong cellphone, meron naman akong signal!”
19. Specialist – Friend 1: “Ang buhok mo kasing gulo ng…nest ng bird!” Friend 2: “Eh ikaw, ang ugali mo kasing bad ng…ugali ng criminal!”
20. No name – When I called for tech support from my ISP, they kept putting me on hold. Fuming, I told them: “If you put me on hold one more time…I’ll…uhmm…I’ll put the phone down and call again!”

Inception Plot A Scrooge McDuck Rip-Off?

At first read, the very idea is both ridiculous and rebellious.  It reeks of tabloid sensationalism…until you read the full comicbook.  Of course the very idea that movie plots are original is a naive point of view in itself.  Obviously, most movies now are mere variations on themes from older sources like movies and books that find their roots that go way back to ancient literature.  Even within the time frame of the modern era of movies you can see incredible similarities between movies.  At most, maybe a writer can dream up a plot that he’s never heard of before, and therefore think it’s original, when in fact he wasn’t the only one who thought of it.  At one point or another in our history, there was probably another person who got more or less the same idea, committed it to paper , a copy of which is probably floating around somewhere.

They say there are only 7 basic plots as a series of conflicts:

1. Man vs. Man
2. Man vs. Nature
3. Man vs. God
4. Man vs. Society
5. Man in the Middle
6. Man & Woman
7. Man vs. Himself

Supposedly, every single story that was ever written would fall somehow into any of these 7 basic plots.  And everything else that makes one story different from another, are just embellishments on these plot skeletons.  So it’s perfectly possible that Christopher Nolan got his inspiration from the said comicbook, or from some other source for that matter, or he could simply have thought of the plot from a seed of an idea, expounded on it, and coincidentally ended up with a similar story to the one created by this Disney comicbook writer.  I just hope it wasn’t a matter of him reading this story and tweaking it into his own creation and passing it off as his own.  I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Even in music, accusations of plagiarism is a constant source of conflict.  Composers and lyricists often butt heads in claiming one copied from the other citing eerie similarities between melodies and lyrics.  Although some are guilty, many simply got the same idea as the other artists; it’s definitely within the realm of possibility.

But you have to admit, the similarities are uncanny.  Formulate your own opinions by reading the full comicbook for free.  You be the judge.  Just click on this to read the DISNEY COMICBOOK.

Videos I like 12

Alec Mapa on The View

Another Pinoy making a name for himself in Hollywood is comic Alec Mapa. He’s gaining quite a name for his role in “Ugly Betty”, but you might remember him as the gay friend in “Connie and Carla” and a stylist in “Don’t Mess With The Zohan”.  This guy is really funny.  You should also check out his stand-up bits.

Evil Plane Prank

This is absolutely evil! To scare someone like that! But you gotta admit, you laughed at his pain. I’m pretty sure, mad as he may be, he’s just glad that it was a prank and not a swan dive to his death. I swear, it’s pure evil.

The Best Illusion Ever?

This is absolutely amazing! It’s so trippy to watch, because there’s no special effects at all, it’s all a fantastic optical illusion!  This is the type of illusions they use for films like The Lord of the Rings when you need Ian McKellen to tower over the actors playing the hobbits.

Batman Pug

Hehe…some silly cuteness. No joke, my Yorkie goes wild everytime I play this video!

Russell Peters

Russell Peters 2

Another stand-up comedian who’s gaining a fan base among Pinoys is Russell Peters.  Someone promised to send me one of his full stand-up shows (yes, that’s you Hellgirl and Mr. Perk!)

I Am Beautiful – Joshua and Nathan Flynn

These guys do great stop motion animated shorts. A gay Klingon? Hilarious!

Swedish policeman

What a kooky cop! Imagine if our MMDA traffic enforcers approached traffic violators this way?  Scary thought.

Male Streaker with Fake Boobs

Sensory overload: male streaker, fake boobs, leopard print thong.  I hope your brains didn’t explode with that sight. I wonder though what they mean by “fake” boobs?  Fake as in he just attached those, or fake like implants?  Because they looked pretty real to me, except the fact that he didn’t have any nipples.

The Top Ten Funniest Non-Joke Texts You Ever Received

The days when text messaging was free seems so far away now.  I remember when I got my first mobile phone in 1997, I was so aliw with the concept of text messaging.  I had one other friend who had a cellphone so it was just me and him exchanging SMS until one by one, our other friends got on the bandwagon.  So when they started charging, it felt weird, like the time they started charging for water, which was free for the longest time.  I wonder if the time will come when we’ll be charged for air?  Anyway, sometimes the inadvertent funny texts, the ones that weren’t meant to be funny, are the funniest.

July 6, 2009 → The Top Ten Funniest Non-Joke Texts You Ever Received

1. Lois – My mom texted: “Anak, dito ka na sa bahay kumain.” Touched, I texted back: “Ok ma, pauwi na ko!” She texted back: “Mag take-out ka ng KFC.”
2. No name – My friend texted their yaya asking what they were having for lunch. The yaya texted back: “barvekyo en sapsoy.”
3. Kitty Purry – I have a friend who always texts: “Ha?” as if hindi niya narinig yung sinabi mo.
4. Tres – A friend missent this message to his crush, instead of the intended recipient, his mom: “Mama, malambot pa din tae ko…”
5. Supertatay – My friend once angrily texted me: “Ano ba?!? Miscol ako ng miscol sa yo, di mo naman sinasagot!”
6. No name – During a school reunion, I texted a classmate: “Nasan ka na? Ibibigay ko sa yo donation ko.” His reply: “I’m cumming! Give it to me!”
7. Lui – I texted my mom: “May ulam ba diyan?” She answered: “Wala, clear ang skies.” Ang basa niya ulan.
8. Supermom – I texted my driver if he parked na, and he texted back: “Yes mom!” (dapat ma’am)
9. Nathalie – I texted a lesbian friend: “Wer na u?” She texted back: “Sa puso mu.”
10. RC and Cess – I texted my kapampangan friend if he found his license. Kahit sa text nawala yung mga “H”. His text: “Indi ko maanap sa baay.”
11. Gaston – Our maid texted me her grocery list for the day: “paper plets”. So I bought paper plates. Yun pala, black pepper and Pledge.
12. Mr. Perk – I once received a text from a friend: “Happy Birthday! Kita-kits tayo mamaya sa surprise party mo!”
13. Blitzkrieg – Cousin: “Wer na u? D2 na me sa waiting shade.”
14. KiD BuKid – My nephew, when he got his first cellphone, texted everyone this message: “Guys, tignan niyo tong bago kong cellphone! Ang ganda no?”
15. Ginny – A blockmate texted me: “Can I have your cellphone number?” (uhm, paano niya ko na text?)
16. Quin – A text exchange between me and a suitor. Him: “Tulog ka na?” Me: “Oo.” Him: “Ok, ako din tulog na.”
17. Malekith the Absurd – My friend texted me this message: “Pare nakita mo ba cellphone ko?”
18. No name – My friend texted me when she bought a new phone: “nasanangspacebarngsamsung?”
19. Josh – My brother texted me: “Pag naubusan ka ng load, i-text mo lang ako!”
20. Chill – A freind texted me: “Yung Starbuck ba may S?”
21. No name – When passing requirements in school, I texted a friend: “Naku, nakalimutan ko yung 1×1 ID picture!” She texted back: “Hayaan mo, may extra ako, bibigyan kita!”
22. Renbal – An employee once texted me: “Sir, please call urgent, text back!” (so ano nga?)
23. Blitzkrieg – A friend once texted me: “Wow, nasusunog building namin! Ang saya-saya!”
24. McMaki – My mom has a bad habit of texting just “k” no matter what you text her. So I texted: “Ma, please naman wag laging k lang ang text back mo.” She replied: “k.”
25. No name – A friend sent to his crush this message: “Nasan ka, punta ka dito!” What he didn’t realize was, the “N” on his keypad didn’t work. So the actual message he sent went: “Asa ka, puta ka dito!”

Twitter Overload

(Fail Whale illustration by David Pache)

A strange thing happened to me the other day.  I was on Twitter and I realized I haven’t logged on for quite some time.  So there I was, going through the different tweets, someone was crying, a friend ate a burrito, an acquaintance retweeted a stranger who was stuck in traffic, a celeb was shooting a scene, and before I knew what was happening, I was deluged with tweets from friends and colleagues and celebrities and news agencies and complete strangers and retweets and before I knew it I was just whizzing past all the tweets, almost in a panic, not caring what everyone was saying, just to get to the end of the seemingly endless barrage of information and emotion that made my head want to explode!  I just wanted to turn everything off, I just wanted everyone to shut the hell up!  I realized I reached my own Twitter equilibrium and my little brain short-circuited and shut off to protect itself, like a mental fusebox.  If you’re familiar with the X-Men characters, it’s similar I guess to what happens to Professor X when he opens his mind to everyone.  Usually he gets to regulate and choose whose thoughts he lets in.  But there was this one time when the floodgates of his telepathic mind opened and the torrent of all the thoughts and emotions came surging in, almost frying his brain beyond repair.

Then I remembered a New York Times article I read, about the ill effects of the current flurry of social networking sites like Twitter, Plurk, Facebook, etc.  An Oxford professor opined that the brain, being fed such a quick succession of many short messages like say, the tweets on Twitter or the status updates on Facebook, infantilizes the brain, or in plainer terms, makes our brains like babies’ minds, “attracted to buzzing noises and bright lights, who have a small attention span and who live for the moment.”

Another article I read theorized that this deluge of online thoughts and emotions on a regular basis “kills” our empathy.  Back in the olden days, before a person could tell you he was depressed, it took so many personal interactions, and assurances of confidence in your friendship.  And people confiding such personal demons came along few and far between.  But now, with everyone pouring their hearts out on Twitter and Facebook, it isn’t uncommon to find multiple emotional cries for help (or for some mere attention-whoring) in one pass.  I’ve even heard of a friend of friends who was tweeting his final words before committing suicide.  It seems easier now to wear your heart on your online sleeve because it’s anonymous.  You no longer need to say these possibly humiliating personal issues face-to-face, you can type in whatever primal scream you need to let out, log out, then get drunk.  You don’t need to face reprisals from a person-to-person encounter, you can unleash, then retreat.  And as a reader, absorbing a steady stream of a spectrum of emotions, from reports of what they ate to exclamations of deep sorrow, on a daily basis, does tend to inure you after a while to what other people are going through.  It’s the simple law of supply and demand.  If you get a glut of people’s emotions, you shut off demand for it.

Another article stated that the constant over-stimulation of the brain in short bursts are collectively shortening our attention spans.  That’s why it’s harder to turn us on to books and movies that don’t simulate the fast 140-or-less pace of Twitter.  This conditioning to consume ideas in quick jerks leaves little room for exposition and rumination.  We want our ideas served like fast food, no frills, easy to prepare, quick to digest.

So after all that blah blah, am I quitting Twitter?  Hell no!  I’ll miss all the juicy goings-on.  But I am starting to unfollow chatty celebs and other people who tend to flood me with their thoughts.  Nothing wrong if you’re a tweet-y person, I just need to de-clutter my mind, I guess.  Following too many people on Twitter is like inviting too many people into your home.  They bring all their nice stuff, but they saddle you with all their sh*t as well.

Okay, time to wrap up this post.  I need to log out of WordPress and log on to Twitter to see who’s happily tweeting about how unhappy they are…