When I saw the billboard of a new product, a “masculine wash”, as opposed to a feminine wash, I was thrilled. Finally, equal rights! How come the females get to have a cleaning agent specifically to clean their vajenitals? So now it’s equal, men get to wash their loins with a wash specifically for that sensitive area for guys.
Okay fine, I’ll finally admit it, it’s not the first time I’ll be using a masculine wash. I was actually given a bottle of masculine wash about a year ago…made by a salon…ok fine, it was the “Fanny Serrano Masculine Wash”! Happy now?!? It did the job. When the bottle ran out, I didn’t have the balls (pun intended) to go to one of his salons to buy a bottle of his scrotum scrub. So I had no choice but to go back to washing with soap, sometimes shampoo, and on special days, anti-frizz conditioner.
So when I saw that there was going to be a product to be sold in regular groceries, I was thrilled. Right after the show yesterday, I went straight to Shopwise, but I couldn’t seem to find any. With head down and shades on, I asked the saleslady: “Miss, meron kayo nung panghugas ng…alam mo na…ibon?“ When she brought me to the pet supplies aisle, I knew they didn’t have it. So I proceeded to the next nearest grocery, Hypermart, and there, nestled between the sanitary napkin and feminine wash sections, a spattering of small bottles of the masculine wash. It came in 2 variants, “tea tree” (don’t remove the “r”) and “freeze”. Of course, I bought both.
When I got home, I went brisk walking around the village. After about 30 minutes or so, after I’ve broken into a sweat, then was the perfect time to test how effective the new wash is, especially on a pair of itlog na maalat. So I rushed to the shower, and read the instructions. It said: “Pour a small amount in your hand, and gently massage into your genital area.” Of course, I didn’t put a small amount, because the “area” wasn’t, ahem, small, so I put a large amount for the large “area”, thank you very much. So I started to rub…and lather…it didn’t lather well, so I had to rub more vigorously…and massage…okay, let’s fast forward to the rinsing. It said to leave it on for about 3 minutes, so I did. I was sort of expecting it to be more, menthol-ey. It didn’t have the tingling sensation I was expecting, given I tried the “freeze” variant first. But it’s all good, I guess I felt sufficiently washed.
Had I been part of the marketing team, I would’ve named the product, “Head & Boulders” or “Gee Your Crotch Smells Terrific”. Because let’s face it, it’s an area we want smelling fresh, especially if there are people “in the position” to know if you do. I’m not flexible enough to test if my boys really smelled terrific, so I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Conclusion: I’m not sure men really need a masculine wash. I mean, I feel the same way if I used ordinary soap. Although someone texted during the show that there’s another brand coming out that has ginseng which improves your “performance” as well. Don’t ask me how that works. Plus, I’d prefer it if it felt cooler, so you’d feel like you have a hundred miniature groin elves fanning your balls with mini mint leaves. And maybe put some moisturizer in the formulation, for wrinkle-free skin? Or maybe calcium for stronger “bones”? Maybe that would make the extra product worth the trouble. And maybe I’d skip the instruction: “Shake well before using”. It might cause some confusion.