The Top Ten Things To Say To Someone Who Went Back Into A Bad Relationship

When I get to talk to people who keep going back into “bad” relationships, whatever that means, I don’t push too hard because they’ll only get more tenacious in holding on to it. They get into this “you and me against the world” drama and go against the odds to fight for their rotten love.  Okay, too harsh, but I’m sure you get what I mean.

March 27, 2009 → The Top Ten Things To Say To Someone Who Went Back Into A Bad Relationship – Maigensai

1. Crazypurple/Kid Bukid – “Ang pagkain, kapag isinuka mo na, kakainin mo pa ba ulit?”
2. SPY Shadow /Schivokanda – “Ang basurang itinapon, siguradong babalik sa ‘yo.”
3. Hellgirl – “Ang pagma-martyr, ginawa na ni Rizal, at ang ending, ayun, kamatayan.”
4. PigDoctor – “It’s only one of two things: True love…or brain damage.”
5. Specialist/Schneider – “Kaya mo binalikan kasi malaki no?”
6. Astroboy – “Para kang taong nahulog sa imburnal, umahon at naglinis, tapos tumalon ulit sa imburnal.”
7. Eggers – “Ang bilis mo naman makalimot.”
8. Sasha Purse – “Desperation is so unappealing.”
9. RC & Cess – “Tatawag na ko ng paramedics dahil sigurado, maya-maya, babalik kang sugatan.”
10. Maan – “Sige, balikan mo siya, pero wag kang babalik-balik sa akin para magreklamo sa bulok niyong relasyon.”
11. No name – “It’s sad that you’ve come to love this role, and all the drama that comes with it.”
12. Loi Pogi – “Kung gaano kaikli ang bird ng boyfriend mo, ganun naman kahaba ang pasensiya mo!”
13. Pulkped – “You are what you eat.”
14. Fiona – “Learn to differentiate a bump on the road, and the end of the road.”
15. MG – “It makes more sense to let go of things that hurt you.”
16. RC & Cess – “Ang baboy, kahit ilang beses mo linisin, putik pa rin ang hanap.”
17. Purple – (Oprah to Rihanna) “He. Will. Hurt. You. Again.”
18. Eien17 – “It’s not a matter of IF he’ll hurt you again, it’s WHEN.”
19. Vi – “I guess black and blue are your best colors…”
20. Blair – “You’ve gotten so used to misery that happiness now scares you.”
21. Loi Pogi/FPJ – “Etong mag-asawang sampal: PEK! PEK!”

We Are The World (YouTube Version)

I really like this, 57 of YouTube’s more high-profile musicians decided to pitch in for a viral version of the recently celebrity-studded remake.  These musicians are celebs in their own right, and it’s just cool how they all got together virtually for a kick-ass version that’s often just as goosebump-inducing as any.  Whoever thought of the idea was a genius.  I can just imagine the logistics though, of choosing which 24 of the thousands of YouTube singers get to be included and who gets to sing what, and editing all the raw footage that was probably emailed to one editor who stitched the whole thing together.  Amazing.

The Top Ten Statements You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Parents

I can come up with a list all of my own, just quoting my ever-quotable mother.  But seriously, I remember bringing my dad for an MRI, and as he was already delirious, he had a lucid moment where he whispered, “Mamamatay na ko…” and I can you can say I was sufficiently scarred for life.  You’re never quite prepared for statements like that from people you love.  But, this top ten turned out more funny than sad, so pardon the downer of an intro.

March 26, 2009 → The Top Ten Statements You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Parents – SC

1. Schivokanda – A conversation while my mom cooked breakfast, one I would rather forget. Dad: “Kumusta naman itlog ko?” Mom: “Ayun, maalat pa din…”
2. Rekzjoanne – Went I picked up my high school classmate at her house, I was shocked when he mom said: “O, may baon kayong condom?”
3. Eikram – “Anak, i-follow mo naman ako sa Plurk!”
4. Joeshred – Dad: “Anak, tulungan mo nga akong hanapin yung panty ng mommy mo, kasi nag-quickie kami eh di namin ngayon mahanap…”
5. Gabby – One time my mom told my girlfriend: “Siguro satisfied ka sa anak ko no? Bata palang yan, totoy mola na!”
6. Horizon X – My mom asked me in front of my wife: “Sino mas maganda, ako o siya?”
7. Carlitos123 – True story, my friend’s mom sat him down and told him: “Anak, alam mo ba na tatlo ang itlog ng tatay mo?”
8. Curt Smith – “Anak, paano mag unlimited? Gusto daw ng daddy mo na mag-SOP kami eh.”
9. Boknoi – Dad: “Anak, i-download mo naman ako ng mga kanta nila Madonna, Cher, Barbra Streisand at Mariah.”
10. Abernathy – Mom: “Anak, okey lang sa akin na bading ka. Kung tatay mo nga natanggap ko, ikaw pa!”
11. Loi Pogi – Anak, ikaw muna bahala dito sa bahay okay? Mage-Embassy kami ng daddy mo.”
12. Hak/Espeks – “Anak, bakit ang lakas mo sa tissue at laging amoy Clorox yung kuwarto mo?
13. Eikram/Scarlet_Iyah – “Anak, tulungan mo nga akong palitan itong status ko sa Facebook, gawin mong, “it’s complicated”.
14. Blitzkrieg/Ang Manunusok – After you come home from a hot date: Mom: “Anak, ano yang nasa bibig mo, mayonnaise?”
15. Carson – “Anak, top ka ba o bottom?”
16. Jasper – The first time my teammates from the varsity visited our house, my mom blurted out: “Sino sa inyo yung crush na anak ko?”
17. SPY -Shadow – Dad: “Anak, ibili mo ko ng isang banig na Viagra. Bilisan mo ha, malapit nang matapos maligo ang mommy mo!”
18. Orson/Kicoh – Once after a major fight with my dad, he said: “Sana pinunas nalang kita sa tissue!”
19. Boknoi – Dad: “Anak, pinagdududahan ko ang pagkalalaki ng nobyo mo.” Daughter: “Ha? Bakit niyo naman po nasabi yun?” Dad: “Nagkita kami sa gay bar.”
20. Joeshred – Mom: “Anak, saan nakakabili ng strap-on? Gusto daw ng daddy mo na i-dominate ko siya eh!”
21. Rihahahanna – Mom: “Parang sobrang init ngayon…” Dad: “Eh ba’t ka ba naman di mag-iinit eh kanina pa nakasawsaw yang dede mo sa kape!”
22. Joeshred – Dad: “Anak, meron ka ba diyang pampaputi ng b*tlog?”

Ode To Durian

Due to insistent public demand, I now post my heretofore never-before-published masterpiece, “Ode To Durian“.  The above picture is the durian in question, possibly the most obscenely delicious durian I’ve ever tasted in my life; so scrumptious, in fact, that it pushed me to pen a poem exalting the virtues of a much maligned fruit.  I literally forgot where I was, while in the gastronomic throes of pleasure.  I had my eyes closed, as the creamy semi-solid mass of sweetness burst into my mouth.  I never tasted another quite like it.  I read a couple of stanzas on air one time, and since then, I’ve been deluged by thousands, nay, billions of requests to finally publish the rest of this future classic.  So without further fanfare, I humbly present to you, an incredible example of high-brow literature, my magnum opus — “Ode To Durian”.

“ODE TO DURIAN”

Ang mabahong durian,

sobra sa sarap yan.

Saksakan ng krema,

di tulad ng plema.

Ito ma’y mabantot,

wag nang mag-second thought.

Kahit amoy nito’y “ew!”

sa lasa’y mababaliw.

Ang lasa’y orgasmic.

Ang amoy, fantastic.

Ang presyo’y walastik.

Yor pingers yu will lik.

Over sa linamnam,

panalong pakiramdam.

Katawan ay iinit,

mula ulo hanggang singit.

Pag bumuka na ang puwet,

you’ll say: “hinog na, shet!”

Puwede nang biyakin,

at ito’y manyakin.

Ipikit mga mata,

bibig ibukaka,

at ito’y supsupin,

ang sarap lasapin.

Wag ka lang didighay,

yor breath amoy bangkay.

And the smell of your sweat,

is like panty na wet.

But it will be worth it,

the taste very sulit.

Durian the smelly fruit:

lasang heaven, amoy utot.

The Top Ten Euphemisms For Sex

Thanks to @joseph for suggesting I drop the “The Best And The Rest xxx” format because people are always spreading the top ten in emails or on Facebook without recognizing the source.  It has happened many times, even published in newspaper without it being acknowledged as a Top Ten topic.  Hopefully if I put the actual Top Ten topic as the title of the post, it will be easier for copy-pasters to remember to honor the source by at least stating where they got it.  Key word: hopefully.

March 24, 2009 → The Top Ten Euphemisms For Sex – Sasha Purse

1. Boknoi – “Nag-upgrade na ko from floppy disc to hard drive, puwede na ba akong mag-upload sa system mo? Promise, gagamit ako ng firewall!”
2. Angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – “Can I tickle your belly from the inside?”
   
3. Jedi Mstr – Mas masarap siguro yang sisig mo pag pinatungan ng itlog.”
4. Bernard – “I want to part the red sea.”
5. Angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – “Landing the Martian probe on Venus.”
6. Maximo – “Galit na yung daga, gusto nang pumasok sa lungga!”
7. Shot – “Gusto ko nang magtampisaw sa batis ng kasalanan.”
8. Angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – “Do you want some beef in your taco?”
9. Denxio Batuta – “Gusto kong bumisita ng Pateros (bagsakan ng itlog).”
10. Vener J. – “Ibaon na natin yung patay, matigas na eh!”
11. Angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – “I want to storm the pearly gates with my purple-headed devil.”
12. RC & Cess – “Gusto ko nang itusok itong tinidor ko sa puto mo.”
13. RC & Cess – “Gusto ko nang isawsaw ang matigas kong tinapay sa mainit mong kape.”
14. Raimon – “Sa kaka Twitter natin, ayan tuloy, sa Multiply tayo inabot.”
15. Angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – I want to tiptoe through the 2 lips.”
16. Oscardelahopia – “Basa na ang sinulid, puwede nang ipasok sa karayom.”
17. Blitzkrieg – “Pag pinatikim mo ko ng baked tahong, pahihigupin kita ng cream of mushroom.”
18. TReiz – “If you let me stick my token in your slots, you can pull my joystick till you hit the jackpot.”
19. Rvincent – “Gusto kong ipasok ang higanteng kapre sa masikip na kuweba hanggang ito’y masuka sa loob.”
20. L&L – My furry monkey is craving for a banana.”
21. Uglybelle – “May red tide ngayon kaya magka-karaoke nalang ako.”
22. Loi Pogi – “Gustong sugurin ng pusit ang tilapia!”
23. Itchyboy – “Gusto kong i-park yung car sa garage, pero nakalabas yung dalawang gulong.”
24. RC & Cess – “Puwede bang mag Enter The Dragon?”
25. Gemini – “Gusto kitang awayin para puwede din kitang batiin.”
26. Mr. Perk – “Gawin natin yung gusto pa ni lola, pero hindi na kaya ni lolo.”
27. Blair/Smile – “Laro tayo ng kakaibang basketball, yung shoot muna bago dribble.”
28. Jongsu – Mom: “Saan ka galing?” Girl: “Nag-burger lang ng boyfriend ko.” Mom: “Ah, kaya pala may mayonnaise ka pa sa labi…”
29. No name – “Gusto mo blutooth-in kita, kahit infrared ka ngayon?”
30. Jedi Mstr/Tcams – “Pagkatapos ng Kisses, gusto ko sanang KitKat-in kita, pero kung Red Ribbon ka today, sige, kahit Butterfinger nalang sa Milky Way mo…”

Sadie, The Scottish Terrier

The Westminster Kennel Club championship is like the Wimbledon of dog shows.  I always await the results every year, because I’ve had my share of joining dog and cat shows before.  My favorite breeds seem to be winning recently.  About two years ago, a beagle (I have 2 myself) name Uno was numero uno, and now, another favorite breed of mine, the Scottish Terrier, won the prestigious prize.  I’ve always wanted a Scottie, but most books and articles label this breed as one for experienced owners (translation: hard to handle).  I’m pretty experienced as far as dogs are concerned, but I need a low-stress dog like my Yorkie, Cairo.  I’ve come sooo close to buying a Scottish Terrier no matter how difficult they may be, since I saw a couple and fell instantly in love.  Better judgment prevailed, and I was able to walk away, dog-free.  But now that a beautiful specimen is in the spotlight, I am gently reminded of why I love this breed so much.  It’s a man’s dog, and many U.S. presidents have owned one, like Franklin Delano Roosevelt and George W. Bush.  It needs a lot of space to run around in, and it needs stern discipline if you don’t want a headstrong tyrant in your hands.

It’s a stunning dog.  The few I’ve seen here in Manila blew me away.  Together with the Wire-haired Fox Terrier, the Italian Greyhound, and the Pomeranian, The Scottish Terrier is my ideal next dog (not that I need any more, with 4 dogs and 3 cats in my hands).  I just love dogs so much.  When I win the lotto, it’s my vow to build a shelter for unwanted dogs and cats, with a special area for my own pets.  Congrats, Sadie!

The Best And The Rest 214

I know how it is to be a true blue fan.  I’ve lined up in queues just to get an autograph, I’ve even slept in a sleeping bag outside a mall just to get tickets to a concert in the U.S.  I’ve bought stacks of magazines of my favorites even if it’s just a line or two about them.  I’ve had shouting matches at the top of my voice during debates in defense of my favorites when pitted against another.  It’s not an alien concept for me to be a rabid fanatic of a celebrity in music or movies.

March 23, 2009 → The Top Ten Signs That You’re A Fanboy/Fangirl – Astroboy

1. No name – I’m such a Twilight fan that when I woke up one night and I thought I saw yellow eyes peeking at me from outside my bedroom window, I got so scared I ended up saying: “Edward…help…”
2. Marion – When I was in high school, my mom’s American boyfriend would send me postcards signed: “Love you always, Robert Downey Jr”.
3. Joeshred – Ako rin may kilalang fanboy ng Transformers, he studied Niponggo just to understand the anime versions, collects the toys, the comics, the dvds, the soundtracks of the series. Ayun 33 na virgin pa rin.
4. Hot_n0ona – I realized I am a fangirl because last year I went to Korea just because i wanted to eat at the restaurant that my fave Korean star owns.
5. No name – I was such a big fan of the Thai film Love of Siam that I packed my bags and went to Bangkok to literally stalk practically the whole cast.
6. Kesibi – I was such a big Boyzone fan that I’d call everyone LAD instead of BOY. Feeling Irish!
7. Schivokanda – If you agree to go out on a date wit someone gross just to get tickets to a sold-out concert.
8. paulPOTTER – I’m such a Harry Potter fan that one morning, as my mom was trying to wake me up, I shouted: “Expecto Patronum!” (akala ko kasi Dementor siya).
9. Miniature Beast – In application forms, you write under “religion”: “Jedi”.
10. Cheska – My bf and I are such big fans of your show that everytime you’re on air, we made a no talking/bothering policy until your show is over.
11. Jie – I’m such a big fan of Enchong Dee that I’ll treat my friends to dinner whenever he has a new show, endorsement or victory in a swimming competition.
12. SC – Since 5th grade (n0w im 21) my 11th commandment still is: “Thou shalt not watch any sci-fi TV sh0w except for the X-files for the rest of thy life”.
13. Forg – Kung nasira yung keyboard ng computer mo, defending your idol on an online forum.
14. Portia – If you know the smallest detail about him, like which eye he uses to wink.
15. Hellgirl – I was such a fan of a certain boyband, that I learned to imitate all of their signatures.
16. Maldita – I always buy 5 copies of my favorite’s CD’s. 1 copy is the one I use, 1 copy as spare in case the 1st one gets scratched, and the other 3?  Suporta lang, para lumaki ang sales.
17. Fakefetuccine – If you believe in your heart of hearts that you would end up with your idol if only he’d get a chance to meet you and to know you better.
18. Knife Edge – Everytime me and my friends are about to leave a place, one of us will say: “Autobots, move out!”
19. Gorgeous Demo Lay/Gracia/Gorgeous Bitch – I bought waterproof headphones just so I won’t miss the Top Ten, even while taking a shower.’
20. TReiz – When you flame fellow fanboys because they became fans just because it became popular to like a certain character, like Batman fans who have no idea about the character’s mythos and pathos.
    

Plants Vs. Zombies On iPod Touch!

I’ve died and gone straight to heaven!  The most awaited earthshaking event of the millennium has finally arrived: the release of the PC-only Capcom game Plants vs. Zombies as an application for the iPhone and the iPod Touch!  I get goosebumps just writing about it.  Of course I already purchased it on iTunes, the day after I found out.

When I got to the page on iTunes, I got a kick because most of the comments came from Filipinos raving about the release!  When I finally bought it, I felt like I dug up an ancient treasure that everyone’s been looking for years.  I literally SQUEALED with delight when I first opened the application.  I kid you not, I almost had to fight back tears of joy.  It’s not like I haven’t played the darn game, but seeing it on my iPod Touch was incredible.  And once I started playing, I knew immediately that this game was made to be enjoyed on a touch device.  Hands down, it’s a better experience than playing with it using a mouse.  The size is perfect, touching the suns and positioning the plants are eons easier (and way cooler) with a light feathery touch of your finger.  It’s the perfect marriage between game and gadget.  If you enjoyed this game on your laptop or desktop, you’ll LOVE it on your iPhone and iPod Touch.  It went straight to number 1 on iTunes once it was released.  I haven’t put my Touch down since I started playing the game.  I completely ignored the 20 or so applications I bought together with Plants, not until I get to hear the song we use as a bed every morning.

I am in love.

We Are The World (25 For Haiti)

This was debuted during the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremonies, the 25th anniversary of the classic “We Are The World”, but this time, instead of being for the benefit of Ethiopia, it’s for the victims of the January 12 earthquake that rocked Haiti.  The video was directed by Academy Award Winner Paul Haggis (for “Crash”).  Justin Bieber, Jennifer Hudson, Nicole Scherzinger, Sugarland singer Jennifer Nettles, Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion, Fergie, Josh Groban, LL Cool J, Nick Jonas, Lil Wayne (and his auto-tune), Jeff Bridges, Kanye West, Miley Cyrus and Haitian-American singer Wyclef Jean are among the stars who graced this decent cover of the even-then treacly original.

As a kid, I’ve always preferred the British “Do They Know It’s Christmas” over the American “We Are The World”.  All my favorites were there: Culture Club, Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet, Sting, Bono, Paul Young, and George Michael.  But even then, it undoubtedly featured the biggest American talents of the day.  The only two conspicuously absent superstars were Prince (who was a no-show) and Madonna (who wasn’t even invited.  I guess that’s the biggest beef most people have about the new version.  Although studded with megawatt stars, it lacks some of the biggest names in music today Mariah Carey (who sang in the “Everybody Hurts” charity single instead), Madonna (again), Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Eminem, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, etc.

But I do like the rap twist at the end, because no song with the biggest names in the industry can look over the fact that rap and hiphop artists are some of the biggest movers and shakers as far as music is concerned.  So no star-studded event can claim relevance without including rap as part of the musical brew.  It’s just cute that at least 3 artists used auto-tune during their part.

But that said, those opinions are purely on the merits of the song as a musical piece.  Of course at the heart of it is the more important part which is it being a charity single for the victims of Haiti.  You can have Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer for all I care, as long as its heart is in the right place, I’d support it.  It’s available for download on iTunes, which unfortunately we cannot access for music (unless you have a gift card), so tell your family and friends in the U.S. not to download it on Limewire, but to buy it on iTunes instead.  It’s for a good cause.  We Filipinos know how it was to depend on the kindness of others when the twin storms hit us last year.

So like it or hate it, good on all the artists who lent their time and efforts to make this charity single a potentially money-making juggernaut.  Hopefully the proceeds go a long way in Haiti.  Lord knows, everyone could use a little help every now and then.

Kung Hey, Valentine’s Day!

The Year Of The TIGER

Kung Hey Fat Choy and Happy Valentine’s Day!  Okay, so Aras isn’t exactly a tiger, but he kinds looks like one, with his sorta stripes, and especially when he looks at me like this, as if he sees me as prey.  They say The Metal Tiger is a violent year, with most weapons made of metal, and many Fung Shui experts say that a double holiday like today is actually not so good.  But despite this, I think it’s rather poetic that the day of love should fall on the start of a new year.  It’s almost as if the singles are reminded that they can always make a new start, especially when it comes to love.  And for those who are happily in love, it’s a reminder to be thankful that another year has been given, for them to spend happily together.

As for me, I’m just grateful that love is in my life in spades – from family, friends, and my baby whale.  Not that I don’t get negative energy from haters, because I do too, but having the good stuff, somehow insulates you from the bad.  So welcome, metal tiger!  We’ll find a way of co-existing with each other with a minimum of violence, and be nice, okay?