No, you perverts.  “Swallow me whole” is not a porn movie title, nor does it refer to an intimate act between two consenting adults.  It refers to embarrassing moments when you feel as if you want the earth to open up and swallow you whole.

November 27, 2008 → The Top Ten “Swallow Me Whole” Moments

1. Mondster – A friend was texted by a voluptuos vixen inviting him to a seminar for a networking company. She said: “Try is good, but do is better.”  He texted me: “Pare, gusto daw niya ako i-do!” Only thing was, he mistakenly sent the text back to the girl.
2. Gorgeous Bitch – During an office Christmas Party, my longtime crush approached me and said: “May gusto sana akong sabihin sa iyo…” Thinking he was about to profess his undying love, Ipushed: “Ano yun?” He said: “Ano kasi…” Me (kinikilig): “Sabihin mo na kasi!” Him: “May stain ka sa skirt.”
3. Lingerer – When asked during a Labor Law class what a galunggon was, a classmate answered: “Duh? Of course…it’s a leafy vegetable!”
4. Jiezl – One time in school, I was walking with a guy classmate when I slipped.  I grabbed on to him as I fell.  Akala ko I grabbed his hand, until I saw him grimacing in pain.  Sa crotch pala niya ako napa-kapit.  Basag ang itlog!
5. Killjoy – In college, during one finals, our prof told the class tot ignore a test item because someone made a mistake in the numbering. My classmate joked: “Ma’am sinong tanga ba ang gumawa ng exam?” The prof answered: “Ako.”
6. No name – We had this Spaniard who worked in our company.  One time, while inside the elevator with the Spaniard, I said to my friends out loud, “Ang laking kastilaloy pero sigurado ako maliit ang tit* nito!” Then the door opened and in walked our boss.  The Spaniard said: “Boss, ano oras miting natin?”
7. Mix Master – I dated this girl for 2 months, but we ended it because it just wasn’t working.  2 years later, I attend a family reunion and I saw her again.  Apparently we were cousins.
8. Uglybelle – My husband never wears underwear.  One time he sqatted to pick up something from the floor, when his shorts split open and his “jewels” fell out from the hole!
9. SC – First time I went to my boyfriend’s house, an old lady opened the gate. I said: “Yaya, pwede pa C.R. muna?” Turns out the lady was my boyfriend’s mom!
10. Niknokniknoknik – One day, on my way down the stairs at the Quiapo overpass, I missed a step and started falling all the way down the stairs! Worse, natangay ko lahat ng tindera at pulubing nanlilimos on my way down! Ayun, nagkalat lahat ng tindera, pulubi, paninda, at barya sa ibaba ng stairs.