Frankenjokes – February 08

OMG. I completely forgot that I promised to post, every month, five of the worst, most cornballestest jokes I could come up with. Thanks to Sofi for reminding me! Because she brought it up in her comment, I was still able to catch the final day of February. So take a deep breath, and and bring on the corn!

Joke # 1: What animal is famous? Pu-sikat!

Joke # 2: Anong seafood ang maasim? Clam-mansi!

Joke #3: What do you call Israelis drinking Tang? Orange Jews!

Joke #4: What did the cow say when he was trapped in a burning barn? “A lot is at STEAK here! “

Joke # 5: What do you call Keanu Reeves’ stunt double? Spare Reeves!

Pic Peek

I am proud to say that I’ve already started with my photo lessons (yehey!) and I’m very excited to expose myself to all the stuff I could learn from this experience. I’d like to absorb as much information and skill as a sanitary napkin would absorb menstrual blood. Okay, maybe that was the wrong analogy, but you get the point. We’re only in day 3 today and my head is already spinning with delight at all the stuff that’s now swimming in my head. We’ve barely scratched the surface but I thirst for more! Of course I’m the one who’s always first to arrive and I’m the nerd sitting at the front row. I feel naked doing this, since I’m still very insecure about my photos, but I will share with you some of the pics I took when we did our first exercise. Here they are, some of my first pics, with their respective titles:

TRAMPOLINE

UOD

HALLE BERRIES

BLUE-LAKLAK

I hate to sound defensive, but these were taken after our first meeting, so you’d probably see a lot of missteps artistically and technically. I’d just like to post my pics as I go along the way, so that I could share my progress with whoever may be interested. Who knows, this could be my new career! Hmmm…I wonder if we’ll do nudes….

The Best And The Rest 10

We like to mix it up on the show. One day we can go funny, the next we can go sad. One day we can go bastos, the next we try to be wholesome. Sometimes we want to make you laugh, sometimes we want to make you cry. And sometimes, we LOVE to make you cringe…! The day we did this Top Ten, many people actually texted that they had to switch off the radio because they couldn’t handle the graphic details.

January 31, 2008 – The Top Ten Most Physically Painful Moments Of Your Life

1. Dongster – Habang tinutuli ako, nawalan ng bisa yung anaesthesia kasi makunat na daw yung bird ko.
2. Jedi Master – You know that paper cutter in the office, the one where you cut thick reams of paper? Now imagine my stupid finger getting in the way. The cutter sliced a small chunk of flesh from the finger. Akala ko putol na.
3. Billie – I dropped a folding table on my big toe. That toenail had to be removed twice in the last 2 years. I’m due to have it removed it again soon.
4. Vi – My necklace was snatched, but I made “palag” so he made “saksak” my neck with an icepick and ran away.
5. SPY Shadow – My leap to the other side of a canal fell short that my right foot went straight into the muddy water and landed right onto a broken bottom half of a Coke litro bottle which sliced open my ankle exposing my veins and bone!
6. Michie – When I was sewing an apron on a sewing machine, I got distracted and the next thing I knew, the needle was sewing my finger. Later, I found out that part of the broken needle was left inside my finger. I had surgery to remove it.
7. Paolo – Hot radiator fluid suddenly poured on my feet when I was riding in a bus in Baclaran. When I went to the hospital, and the nurse was removing my socks, sumama na yung skin dun sa socks.
8. E3C – I worked in a pizza parlor when I was in college. One time, I was washing a knife. Sa sobrang talim, nahati yung sponge na hawak ko, tapos patak na ng patak ang dugo. Hiwa ang sponge, hiwa din ang palad ko.
9. Lucyness – My officemate had stones in his bladder and the d0ctor said he just needed to PISS IT OUT! When the stones came out, they were the size of peas, and they were crystal-like. Piss+pea-sized crystal-like st0nes+bl0od=messy!
10. Jr. – Nung bata pa kami, nag libot kami sa sementeryo at nagtatatalon sa mga nitso. Pagtalon ko sa isang nitso, nabutas yung nitso, lumusot sa loob yung paa ko, sugat ang paa ko, at natapakan ko pa ang mukha ng patay! Sa sobrang takot ko di ko naramdaman yung sakit until after I got home.
11. Maximo – I fell from our 2nd floor window, at na-shoot ako sa drum na waist high: 1 leg in the drum, 1 leg out. Basag ang jingle balls ko.
12. Andrei – I was with my kalaro and we were playing at the mango tree near our house. While playing, I saw a piece of broken glass, about 2 inches, jutting out from the ground. Since I thought it might hurt someone, I tried to pick it up. As my right hand was right above the glass, my kalaro jumped from the tree and landed right on my hand, impaling it on the glass.
13. No name – We bought a pair of earrings for our 1-yr old daughter. We got the one with a screwable lock. A few weeks later we thought 1 of the locks got lost. It turned out that we screwede it on too tight that the lock got embedded inside the meat of her ear. She underwent a minor surgery to have it removed. Now she’s 3 and never wears an earring.
14. Hukombitay – It was when I got operated on my stomach and a foot of my large intestine had to be cut off. I’m a smoker, so the next day after the operation, I coughed so hard that my tummy reopened and I ended up holding my guts in my hand with the big scorpion-like stitch.
15. Joan – I was washng my face in a hurry because my daughter was crying. I was washing so hard that my whole ring finger got shoved up my nose. Wen I removed my bloody finger, blood started gushing out my nose.
16. Jessica – I fell down the stairs and I bit off my tongue.
17. Strat – I woke up choking one night. I realized I swallowed the wires of my retainers. I choked and it went up my nasal passage. They had to pull the wires through my nose, blood everywhere.
18. Darth – When we were in a major mall, we were going down the esclator when it suddenly stopped. What caused it was a kid’s hand got caught in the esclat0r. Apparently he dropped somthing & when he bent down to pick it up, his fingers were “eaten” by the teeth of the escalator.
19. Bernadette – When I was in preschool, I had this classmate who’d always stand by the door. One day, she was there during recess and someone banged the door so hard, that the girl’s thumb was cut off completely. She passed out immediately.
20. Stanley – I was crossing a wooden plank when I saw a nail protruding. I jumped over it, but I lost my balance and I landed on the nail hitting me in the pateros region.
21. MNEMONIC - I saw a story on the net wherein they had a graphic story of a rescue of a child’s full hand caught in a meat grinder and jamming it.

Koi Rape

I hate this time of the year. Generally, the cold season ushers in rape season for my kois, or Japanese ornamental carp. I have 9 kois in my pond (they say that’s the lucky number to have), and when I bought them, they were too young to sex, so I had no idea how many were male and how many were female. It isn’t until their 1st mating season, when you see the males brutally “raping” the females. I know that rape is a strong word, but if you see the ensuing devastation, there is no other word for it. I’ve lost many females during this maniacal season. They end up bruised, concussed, bleeding, and sometimes dead. The males chase them relentlessly, slamming them into the cement walls of the pond, and they do this over and over and over again. Worse, they do this dastardly deed under the cover of darkness, since they mate at night. You just hear the sickening thuds of the poor females, scales rammed against concrete. The next day you see the injured females floating on their sides, gasping what could be their final breaths of life, while the males are already hungry and restless, eager to feed. Hmph. It just makes me wonder why sex is so inherently violent. There’s a species of nurse shark wherein the males clamp onto the females by biting a fin while they inseminate them. They get so violent that it’s common for the males to actually kill the females in the process, wasting their precious shark-seed on a carcass. Even the oh-so-friendly dolphins have a dark side so far removed from our “Flipper” image of them. I saw a video of larger males sodomizing smaller ones, probably using male rape as a dominance tool. I guess the very nature of sex involves an “intrusion”, or a “forced entry”, and its impetus is an instinct as basic as hunger or thirst. And many people engorge themselves on sex as they would on a juicy burger, munching away and damn the consequences! But back to the koi, I managed to save every single dying female by raising the salt levels of the water. I know, I know, before anyone shouts “paksiw!”, adding lots of salt is how you treat moribund kois. I hope the mating season is over for this year. Until next year, when you can almost hear them shout, “koi wag po, wag po!”

My Idol Picks

Just like last year, I was sooo excited of the promise that this season will be the best EVER. And just like last year, I’m kinda underwhelmed with what I’ve seen so far. With the exception of a handful, most were disappointingly forgettable. But hopefully it won’t be as numbingly bland as last season, which for me was the Idol all time low. So, just like every year since season 3, when Idol started airing here in the P.I., I’ve been making my yearly picks. I only got it right the first 2 times, season three and season four, when my picks from the very start made it all the way into the finals.

For season 3, I picked Fantasia:

For season 4, Carrie was my baby:

After that, I lost my touch.

My bet for season 5 was Katherine McPhee:

Of course the winner turned out to be Taylor Hicks.

Season 6, I was rooting for Melinda Dolittle:

And the winner was (sigh), Jordin Sparks.

So my batting average is now 50-50. As if I never learned, here are my picks:

For the boys, these are my top 3:

For the girls, these are my top 3:

And who’s my overall pick?

I could be wrong, but to me, this guy is a star – and what a voice!

And speaking of American Idols, I got pictures with 2 of them from season 5

Here’s my pic with Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks:

Taylor really surprised me, because I always thought he would be surly or standoffish, but he was surprisingly friendly and willing to gamely answer any question thrown at him during the press conference at Hard Rock cafe in Glorietta. When someone asked him to sing impromptu, he did so with such swagger and aplomb. Very nice. A lot of Idol alumni don’t like being asked Idol questions, but Taylor seemed really okay with it.

And here’s one with Season 5 3rd placer Elliot Yamin:

Elliot exuded such a wonderful aura that befitted his wonderful personality. He seemed like the friendliest person on the planet. And he didn’t have any type of airs at all. He even showed everyone his insulin drip. He lifted his shirt to show everyone that gadget that is attached to a tube which is attached to his stomach. You just gotta love the guy!

Special thanks to the Ayala Malls for inviting us!

The Best And The Rest 9

Each generation always thinks they had it tougher than the succeeding one. But in the end, life is just as hard, at any given time, if not in quality, at least in intensity. But it’s funny to hear how one generation sees their “time” as compared to ours.

January 29, 2008 – The Top Ten Things Our Parents Say That Begin With, “When We Were Young…”

1. YñaKì – “When we were young, alam mo bang noong panahon ng Hapon, ‘runner’ ako ng mga guerilla. Kaya kung sa takbuhan din lang, di ka uubra sa akin!”
2. Sugalero – My mom once said, “Wag ka ngang magreklamo sa baon mo. Nung araw nga, kamote lang ang baon ko, nilalanggam pa!”
3. Mr. Perk – “Nung bata pa kami, wala pang OFW kasi equal pa ang peso sa dolyar!”
4. Maximo – “Nung bata pa kami, ang pagdisiplina sa amin, palo sa puwet. Ngayon, makanti mo lang, Bantay Bata agad!”
5. KiD BuKid – Noong kabataan namin, kapag binato ka ng pandesal sa ulo, magbubukol. Ngayon, ni hindi ka matitinga sa liit ng pandesal, puro hangin pa ang laman. Kaya isang utot lang, gutom ka na ulit!”
6. Dhonna - My grandma once said, “Nung panahon namin, makita lang ang sakong namin, malandi na kami. Ngayon, nakalabas na kuyukot ng puwet, pero bale wala lang.”
7. Gorgeous Bitch – Everytime my mom sees a tattoo, she would say, “Noong panahon namin preso lang ang nagpapatato!”
8. Devinbeck – “Noong araw, ang mga dalaga, pag nadikitan mo ang siko, pakakasalan mo na! Ngayon, buntis muna, bago pag-iisipan kung papakasalan.”
9. SPY Shadow – “Nung kapanahunan namin, ang sinasabi sa amin, ‘Mga anak, alas-sais na, orasyon na!’ Pero ngayon, ang maririnig mo, ‘Yehey, 6 0′clock na, Wheel of Fortune na!’”
10. Mr. Perk – “Nung kapanahunan namin, ang mga batang nagising ng ala-sais ng umaga, batugan na!”
11. Aris – Sabi ng mommy ko, “Nung nag-aaral pa ko, kailangan ko munang hintayin ang kapatid kong umuwi, kasi suot pa niya ang unipormeng isusuot ko.”
12. Eyeshield21 – “When we were young, we needed to cross 2 mountains, 3 rice fields, and 5 rivers just to go to school.”
13. Loi Pogi/Regina/Curt Smith – “Noong panahon namin, bago ka sagutin ng babae, kailangan mo munang magsibak ng kah0y at mag-igib ng tubig. Ngayon, bigyan mo lang ng load, mapapa-oo mo na!”
14. Cheyenne – “Noong bata pa kami, pinapagtago kami ng mga magulang namin kapag dumadaan ang mga Hapon. Ngayon, maririnig mong madalas, ‘Mga hija, mag-ayos na kayo, nandyan na sila Papa-San!’”
15. Castor TROY – “Nung panahon namin, pagkagat ng dilim, kailangan nasa bahay ka na. Ngayon pag dumilim, saka kayo nawawala.”
16. No name – Whenever I ask my mom to buy me a new pair of shoes, she’ll say, “Nung ako ang nag-aaral at nasira ang sapatos ko, tatahiin ko yun ng puting sinulid at ikakaskas ko sa puwet ng kawali para maging kulay itim.”
17. Alliance Phoenix – “Nung panahon namin, ang babae nauunang idulog sa altar bago bulog. Ngayon baliktad na, bulog muna bago dulog!”
18. Butterfly Kisses – “Nung panahon namin walang Linkin Park. Hanggang Luneta Park lang kami!”
19. Lennybaby – My tita told me one time, “Nung araw, wala kaming mga napkin! Yung napkin namin ay katsa (cheese cloth). Nilalabhan namin pagkatapos gamitin.”
20. Your Highness – “Noong kapanahunan namin, dumadayo pa kami ng Bocaue, Bulacan para makahanap ng chicks. Ngayon, sa Quezon Avenue lang, marami na!”
21. Mommy D’ Original -”Nung kapanahunan namin, mas malaki ang panty kesa sa panyo, ngayon, baligtad!
22. Doc Yammy – “Noon, kailangan hawiin ang panty bago makita ang puwet. Ngayon, kailangan hawiin ang puwet bago makita ang panty!

Monsters In Hong Kong (P. 4)

(The Conclusion)

Let me end this whole Hong Kong series with just some slapdash stuff that I got to take pictures of. Some shots I found interesting, some odd signs, funny products and posters, and just whatever random riffraff that caught my eye.

On the first night, I was left all alone in the hotel room. And the only thing I bought during a whole day of shopping was…fruits! Strange fruits (like me). So when you let loose a fruit in a roomful of fruits…it’s an explosion of fruitiness! I basically bought the fruits that we didn’t have – or strange versions of regular fruits:

Blueberries! Never tasted fresh ones, just the squishy ones in cheesecakes.

Berry greedy!

Odd versions of our local macopa (larger and redder):

2 cute versions of local fruits: Macopa and Chico

And midget grapes! Wine not?

I swear, it was so much fun munching on those odd fruits, I ended up buying tons as pasalubong – apricots, nectarines, blackberries, etc.

I also found different types of ceilings

Ceiling one:

Ceiling two:

Ceiling labuyo:

Har har har, I know, I know, cornball…

I also encountered memorable signs

A poster of a show by our very own Leah Salonga!

Duh!

2 cute shirt prints

All employees should be given this

And wow, there’s a Hong Kong version of my Alma Mater!

More Hong Kong versions of local stuff

Their version of Cool Air:

Their version of Lipovitan:

Trust Rico to notice the cheeky name

It was comforting to find something from home (sweet, yet platonic pose # 2):

And speaking of vehicles, let me end this whole Hong Kong adventure with an advert on a bus that will be vividly etched in my mind’s eye forever:

It was a happy holiday indeed. Again, our thanks to the RX management for their generous gift! And thanks again to Jude and Raffy B for some of the pics. Hope I get to go on more vacations that I could share with you guys!

Parting shot:

The reflection of a building on another building (naks!)

It’s a photo-essay on how we see ourselves in each other (double naks!!)

Uno, Numero Uno

The winner of Best In Show for the 2008 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is:

A beagle named, appropriately enough, Uno!

The Westminster is to dog shows what the Oscars is to film awards or what Wimbledon is to tennis – it’s like the most prestigious award a canine could ever win. And what makes this extra special is that for such a hugely popular breed, this is the first time in Westminster history that a beagle won, since it first started giving out prizes in 1907! Well, beagles are extra special to me mainly because I have 2 myself, Roxie and Hunter.

Here’s a pic of my 2 beagles, Hunter on the left, Roxie in the background:

I tried joining Roxie in dog shows but the highest prize she ever won was “Reserve Winners Bitch” (don’t ask). Hunter can’t join because he’s a mono-ball, meaning only one testicle descended. You have to have 2 balls to join (yipee, I can join!). But back to Uno, he’s a really beautiful dog, as perfect as a beagle could ever be (it’s safe to presume he has 2 balls). On behalf of beagle lovers everywhere, we’re proud of you, Uno!

And THE most famous beagle in the world:

The Best And The Rest 8

Tabloids earn mucho money from gossiping about famous people like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton. Why should they have all the fun? Some of the juiciest gossip is about everyday people like you and me. It’s funny though because I noticed that a lot of the entries were also just passed on from another source – the true nature of gossip.

January 28, 2008 – The Top Ten Juiciest Gossip About Non-Famous People

1. Scully – Our female neighbor is always entertaining the entire village basketball team, preparing food for them after every game. We have seen her make out w/ different men in dark corners of the condo compound.
2. Frederique – My uncle was forced to marry his then girlfriend when she got pregnant. Imagine his shock when the child was born and she didn’t look anything like him, and worse, the baby looked exactly like his wife’s landlord.
3. Riskbreaker – A handsome professor here in our school is rumored to have a gay benefactor who also happens to be a professor here. The handsome prof has a car right now and everyone believes it’s from the benefactor.
4. SPY Shadow – This juicy rumor was confirmed to me by my annoying mother-in-law that her kababata, na kaya pala fresh-looking ang matandang dalaga, ay lagi palang “nadidiligan” ng mga young hombres sa barangay nila. At siya pa ang nagbabayad sa mga ito for their services!
5. Lee – I have a banker male gym mate who has a boyfriend who works out in the same gym. They’re both goodlooking and the banker overheard rumors that his boyfriend had sex in the sauna of the gym. The banker grabbed his boyfriend in the lounge area of the gym and punched him in front of everybody. The story was a big hit in the gym.
6. No name – We have this pretty neighbor who looks like Beth Tamayo and there are rumors about her being a hooker. Worse, there are rumors that it’s her grandma who looks for customers for her. We believe it’s true because both her parents don’t have jobs. Her eldest sister works as a sales lady in a mall and her brother is a tricycle driver. But she owns a car, has the latest cell phones, and goes to an exclusive all-girls school.
7. Gandako – Our neighbor who’s separated has a crush on one of our parish priests. She sends love letters through his sacristans. She even enrolled herself in the gym where the priest works out. Once, while saying mass, the priest preached in a subtle way about how it’s not bad to admire someone, as long as it’s within moral limitations, as our neighbor sat in the front most pew.
8. Loi Pogi – Near our office building, there’s a barbecue stand. Two soft-spoken old men, sexagenarians, ang nagbebenta ng bbq. Rumor has it that the two old men were actually a gay couple. We find it so amazing kasi they were able to maintain the relationship through time.
9. Amber – It was rumored that our guy officemate agreed to do “it” with a gay officemate (who has a wife and 4 kids), for only P20, as in bente pesos. The guy officemate was then tagged “bente-bente”.
10. Curt Smith – There’s a female co-worker who’s rumored to have a tattoo on her private part. But it was confirmed when she posted a photo in her Friendster account wearing a 2-piece bikini. At first I thought it was just hair peeking out, but upon closer inspection, it was the head of a black panther peeking out from her bikini.
11. H – I’m a bank employee and may isang staff dito na ngayon manager na, dahil daw every morning ang breakfast niya ay sausage ng Dept. Head nila. And this is true kasi yung dating staff nila dun sa department nila, nagpa-transfer sa amin at nakita raw niya once yung babae na nasa ilalim ng table nung guy.
12. No name – There’s a motel located right behind our office. One day, the manager of the motel called the office hotline to inform us that an employee of the office left her I.D. in one of the rooms. Rumor has it that the I.D. belongs to the bitchy lady at the personnel division.
13. CY – My i.t. officemate accidentally opened a file in our server and out came porn pictures of our Board Secretary, taken by the head of our Legal division.
14. No name – In a certain bank, word was circulating that “Favorite Employee” was having an affair with “Married Boss”. Now everyone hates “Favorite Employee”. So it was no surprise that a week after, photocopied pages of “Favorite Employee”‘s diary circulated in the office and eventually ended up with “Married Boss”‘s wife, who also worked in the same bank.
15. No name – One of our expats had a girlfriend in Bangkok who was already married. One day the office’s main email address received an open letter from the husband of the girl, complaining about the expat and telling everyone about the affair. It was the talk of the town!
16. JB – I have a friend who’s got bruises on her shoulders. When I asked her about it, she told me that she got them doing headstands. Rumor has it she was beaten up by her dad for having a lesbian girlfriend.
17. Shining – The 61-year-old female president of the company I’m w0rkin for (a wid0w of 4 yrs.), was rumored to be having an affair with the chairman of the board, who is also married. But one time, she admitted to us that she’s heard of the rum0rs. Then she t0ld us that she’s been together not with the chairman, but with his 25-year old daughter, and that they’re going to have a lesbian wedding in San Francisco this summer.
18. Tipsy – It was rumored that this nympho back in our college was so drunk at a party that she ended up having group sex with an entire infamous school org. They said she got pregnant and had no idea who the father was.
19. YñaKì – They say that the sole reason why my kumare left her husband for a policeman is that she was so dissatisfied with their sexlife, mainly due to his “grade school-sized” thingy. And how did people know he was small? That’s according to the gays who work at the parlor who once saw the tiny thingy!
20. CY – This is a proven fact: my boyfriend’s brother-in-law was caught by my boyfriend making out with their lesbian neighbor in the dark corner of their street, just a block away from their house.
21. Tuna Belly – We’re 5 guy friends since high school, and we’re all married now but still get in touch every once in a while. One time, a friend told me that 2 of our barkada, together w/ their wives went bar hopping. And afterwards went to one of their houses and started a wild party which ended up with the 2 couples swapping partners!

I’m A Sore Loser!

SPOILER ALERT!!!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was hoping the rumors weren’t true. I was hoping the Sony commercials conspiracy theories weren’t true. I was hoping the alleged spoiler leaks weren’t true. Well, apparently they are. Marc and Rovilson lost spectacularly to Singapore’s Adrian and Collin. It was theirs to lose, and so they did. I could almost hear a communal national groan of disappointment from every Philippine household during the final roadblock. Call me O.A., but I felt a physical stab in my heart (on Valentine’s too!) when the eventual loss was irreparably inevitable. What killed me were 2 things: one, that they tripped on the very last roadblock and two, that they arrived first at that very roadblock and did so poorly that they managed to finish last. I refuse to write off my disappointment as a jingoistic rant by a disgruntled Pinoy. I have actual reasons why I don’t like the Singaporeans. I don’t really buy the “good guys” persona of Adrian and Collin. I think they’re devious little smartypants who have more guile than they’d like to betray. I particularly didn’t like 2 things that they did: one, when they elbowed their way into a taxicab that the Pinoy boys got to first, and two, when they tailed Marc and Rovilson on the dune challenge, instead of just doing their own thing. Strategically smart, but quite devious for supposedly “good guys”. Frankly, I’d rather have the sisters win. It was tough because we’re talking months of emotional investment here (especially for couch potatoes like me who take reality TV a little TOO seriously) – think being blue-balled for months only to be told there would be no relief. But, oh well, strike it up as another lesson on “good guys don’t always finish first”, “life isn’t fair”, “everything happens for a reason”, “it ain’t over ’til it’s over”, and my personal favorite, “shit happens”. You just gotta hand it to Marc, who probably wanted to neuter Rovilson on the spot, but managed to empathize with the poor guy who probably does feel worse than all of us combined. Even if Marc knew all the flags, he was wisely beyond finger-pointing since that serves no purpose anyway. He simply comes out sparklingly as a fierce competitor with admirable sportsmanship. Unlike me, who still happens to be beating my chest and pulling at my hair. I swear, I’m such a sore loser…

Okay, now that TARA 2 is over, it’s officially time to stress about…